A BARRAGE OF EMOTIONS
This week's post is all about… how can we accommodate and navigate our children's emotions when we’re struggling with our own?
“Emotional Self-Awareness Is The Building Block Of The Next Fundamental Emotional Intelligence: Being Able To Shake Off A Bad Mood”
Daniel Goleman
Well, if there’s one thing you don’t get warned about when becoming a parent, it’s navigating the emotions… THEIRS and YOURS!!!
And it’s been an emotionally charged time in our house recently, but this really seemed to come to a head for ‘E’ this week…
HOW IT ALL CAME ABOUT
So, it all started with his braces!
Braces of all things?!
‘E’ got fitted with braces a few months ago, and oh my word they’ve been nothing but trouble!
We’re back at the dentist so often you’d think we’d have our own VIP lanyards!
Within a couple of hours of having it fitted one of the hooks fell off… this has happened repeatedly since, and the whole bottom brace has split or snapped numerous times!
And even when it is in, and all in one piece, ‘E’ is not happy… It’s uncomfortable, it makes his jaw ache, and he can’t speak properly – I imagine it’s like trying to say “cheese sandwich” with a Six-Nations-grade mouth guard wedged in your cakehole and trying not to dribble!?
Anyway, Monday afternoon he exploded… and his brace was the primary combustor.
He came out of school, I happened to mention his dentist appointment, and before we even got out the gates that was it – I was in the firing line of his verbal venting.
Now this is a common occurrence for us … ‘A’ will often come out of school, throw his bag at us, cast unpleasant looks in our direction (“how dare you possibly make me go to school AGAIN!”)… moan, shout, rant, or even comment rather uncomplimentary on the skirt I’m wearing - who knew this 8-year-old was so concerned with mum-fashion?!
WE’RE THEIR SAFE SPACE
But our children grace us with this ‘lovely’ behaviour because they feel safe with us… it’s a bit of a back-handed compliment really!?
There’s no pretence, they’re able to release and just let it all out – not only in our vicinity but often full-throttle AT us!
So I was subjected to half a mile of ranting.…
This then continued when we got home… took a short siesta… then started again at bed time (aargh bed times!!)
I FEEL IT TOO
And the thing is, I GET IT… I can see why ‘E’ is getting so irate, because I’m pretty blinking frustrated too!
Braces constantly breaking… endlessly booking appointments… backwards and forwards to the dentist… time off school…
Needless to say I’ve had my own little rants and explosions directed at my own ‘safe space’ – sorry Steve!
But it was repetitive, it was escalating, and it was impossible to do or say anything that was going to appease him.
I even tried running away - bidding him a swift goodnight and hot-footing it downstairs… but he followed, like an angry minion injected with PX-41!
WHAT’S REALLY GOING ON?
What did he actually want or need from me? … Just to be heard perhaps?
Maybe he didn’t even want a response… or solution… maybe he just needed to externalise his anger and frustration.
Maybe it’s more than the braces…
Is it hormonal? Eek the dreaded adolescence and associated barrage of mood swings, anger, lack of sleep and chants of “That is SOOOO unfair” in true ‘Kevin & Perry’ style!
A confusing concoction of joy, relief and perhaps sadness at finishing juniors - his primary school journey has come to an end?
Is it the apprehension of the BIG move up to secondary school in September?
Exhaustion from doing his SATS recently - although his teacher was absolutely amazing at not putting unnecessary pressure on him, the stress is probably already there internally, to a degree.
Worry of the future unknown…?
…Perhaps it’s ALL OF THEM!
INTRODUCING THE ANGER ICEBERG
There’s a well-known analogy that suggests our emotions are like icebergs – the parts that are visible, above the surface, are only a tiny portion of the bigger picture, and there may actually be a lot more going on underneath.
Maybe his braces were just “the tip of the iceberg”.
There’s a helpful illustration by the NHS which demonstrates this here: ANGER ICEBERG
HIS OVERWHELM
Maybe the situation with his braces was a small addition to an already overloaded emotional system.
Maybe this was just something more tangible he could actually get hold of, identify and justify his emotions?
MY OVERWHELM
The thing is, and what makes this harder, is that I’m struggling to steer my own boatload of emotions around the iceberg right now!
One minute I’m at the helm, pretty in control of the voyage… and the next I’m curled up below deck with my eyes closed, dazed from the out-of-control torrent that’s occurring above.
So here I was struggling to take on ‘E’s emotions… quite frankly, I just didn’t have capacity.
And the more my responses or suggestions were batted away, the more I was losing my patience.
How do I help ‘E’ through this when all I want to do is stamp my feet and join in with the screams of “it’s not fair?!” and “I’m fed up with this too”…
I’m pretty sure this would NOT have helped… if anything he’d probably have ’mum’s having a breakdown’ to add to his list of worries!
And the thought that kept running through my head: “Yep life is just plain cr@p sometimes!” … Not that I said this out loud, but nevertheless probably not the most helpful response – thank you brain!
JUGGLING MULTIPLE SOURCES OF EMOTION
How do we deal with our children’s emotions when we’re struggling with our own?
If we’re running on empty how do we have anything left to give when they need it?
How do we accommodate our child’s pain when we’re fractured by our own?
BEING THE COACH RATHER THAN THE RESCUER
Maybe it’s not about taking it away from them (our natural instinct as a parent), maybe it’s not about rescuing…
COMPASSION
Maybe it’s more about compassion – not the airy, fairy, soft and cuddly visions that spring to mind when this particular ‘C’ word is banded about, but instead helping them to face what’s thrown their way…
helping them find the courage and strength to overcome it…
the resilience to deal with it…
but yes in a kind and gentle way that supports self-love and respect.
“The Compassionate Mind Is The Mind That Transforms”
Paul Gilbert
SELF-COMPASSION
But as parents we must also remember ‘self-compassion’… making sure we’re looking after ourselves first.
Which I must admit has always sat rather uncomfortably with me… surely we unfailingly put our children first?… yet where on earth did I adopt this undercurrent of ‘child neglect’ associated with prioritising self-care?
BECAUSE HOW CAN WE POSSIBLY LOOK AFTER THEM IF WE’RE FALLING APART OURSELVES…
Surely the best way to teach our children is through modelling.
If we model self-care then our children will grow to understand how important looking after themselves is.
And this is ultimately how we can help them through the tough times…
Show them how we look after ourselves to then be able to face, tackle and overcome challenges and difficulties …
Rather than hiding or pushing those difficult feelings away, we acknowledge, express and release them!
And as parents we need to offer our children the space to do this with love, nurture and safety, even when it’s difficult for us to observe.
WE’RE WORKING THROUGH IT TOGETHER 🫶🏻
ME TIME
So… in this particular situation, I recognised that I needed to take some time for me.
I bid ‘E’ good night (for the umpteenth time), and went and did THIS – I wrote… because I’ve come to learn this is what helps me to process my emotions.
Now a part of me felt pretty crappy for leaving ‘E’ when he was still upset, but I had been listening to this periodically since 3.30 in the afternoon… I wasn’t ignoring it or brushing it off, but I was exhausted, and now at a point that I needed to step back.
So I explained to ‘E’ that I was going to do my own kind of self-care… that by looking after ourselves, we can help to look after each other.
Now whether ‘E’ saw it this way or just saw me dashing off downstairs for some peace and quiet I don’t know?! But eventually he’ll fall asleep, and when he wakes up he’ll be in a better mood… I hope!! (Gosh we can only live in hope!)
And if not, then a good night’s sleep will equip me with some more creative ideas of how to navigate this tomorrow.
After all, things always look better in the morning…
For information and support navigating emotions, Bridge The Gap have some really helpful information, activities and free resources! Check out their site here: BRIDGE THE GAP - Child Mental Health C.I.C
Oh I could talk to your for hours about this. My youngest teen is a big bag of emotions right now. Like treading on egg shells. But I do feel his pain. I mentioned to him that we can be hormonal together 😆