Analysing My Avoidance

“A Ship In Harbour Is Safe, But That Is Not What Ships Are Built For”

John A Shedd

So, the start of year 3 of my degree is upon me, and I just can’t seem to face it!

This is not like me!

I’m usually so organised. Prepping and planning (and worrying) weeks ahead.

I’ve usually invested in so much shiny new stationary I’m more well-stocked than Rymans!

But this year, I feel like I’m in denial! I just can’t seem to bring myself to acknowledge and prepare for it! Not even a new biro in sight.

What am I afraid of?

So what is it that’s causing this? Fear of failure? – yes of course, but I imagine that’s not unusual!  

The story so far …

During my first year I was in blissful ignorance.

I had no idea about what was coming.

Last year, again I had no idea the transition to level 5 was going to be so hard.

It took so much out of me that I finished the term practically on my knees.

There was one day I couldn’t even make it to a lecture.

Standard, but escalating, parenting challenges at home had left me barely holding it together. Then throw in the most arduous class at 5 o’clock in the evening(!), and I just couldn’t face it.

On the way there I ended up with tears streaming down my face, and I had to pull the car over (for obvious visual safety reasons).

Thankfully I had a wonderful friend in the car with me. The best passenger I could have asked for, there to calm me from the mess I had transformed into.

And so after a few minutes of battling to catch my breath and stem the flow of tears, we ventured onward …. to McDonalds! For an obligatory strawberry milkshake and much needed mental offload!

Somehow I got through…

I did manage to persevere with the rest of the module, and got through the assessment … by the skin of my teeth.

It turned out to be my lowest grade by far, but I actually think I needed it!

Ironically, it came at the right time. Making me realise I needed to release the grip of achievement that I didn’t even know I was desperately grappling with... (but that’s a whole other blog post!)

And so… is it a case that the past two years took so much out of me that the thought of third year is just too terrifying to face?

Is it a lack of headspace?

Maybe my head’s just not in the right place at the minute.

Too full of thoughts and other stuff going on, that there’s no room up there to even string a ‘decent’ sentence together.

Let alone absorb lecture material, research topics, write in academic language (much of which I still don’t understand – Googling the meaning and synonyms of words has become a full-time hobby!). And then produce an 8,000-word dissertation!

I’ve honestly just had to do a grounding technique, to calm me - I’m getting so caught up in the future and what might be that I needed to do something to bring me back to the now.

To feel my feet on the ground and remember I’m here, not there in the future dilemmas I envision.

The weight of pressure

How will I cope? How will I manage? What effect will it have on ‘S’ and the boys? That’s an added worry that causes knots in my stomach – the effect it may have on my relationships.

My first year of studying was a huge ‘shock to the system’ for all of us!

We’d gone from a quietly content life where I was always here. Trying to keep on top of things. Doing every school run. Cooking homemade dinners - 90% of which were refused by both children with a turned-up nose and “urgh I don’t like it!”. And keeping on top of housework - on good years I’d even manage a partial ‘spring clean’. No, that makes me sound like some domestic goddess, answering the door in an apron, with a feather duster in hand and the smell of home baking wafting from the oven … it most definitely wasn’t like that!

And it wasn’t all me. ‘S’ most definitely helps out with a lot of things at home: he’s much more efficient at keeping abreast of laundry, can make a bed like he was trained by the Ritz, and can get a shine on the bathroom that it looks like it’s been scrubbed with Brasso!

His shift pattern has given him so much time with the boys too, lots of adventures, dog walks and fun activities. Oh my goodness,  what am I even doing here?!?!

Anyway, what I mean is that there wasn’t so much juggling to contend with. And I didn’t take this for granted – I often viewed fellow families with awe at how they seemed to impeccably manage everything and have jobs! Inspirational time management and organisational skills!

But then…

I decided to apply to uni.

‘S’ and I had many discussions about if it was the right decision and how we’d manage. Covered all the practicalities and logistics. And we discussed it with the boys too.

However, the actual contrast between a theoretical plan and the reality of actually living it, it seems, can never be further apart.

And it wasn’t just the physical practicalities, like childcare when ‘S’ was at work and I was at uni. Who would have time to do the shopping. Who would be able to cook dinner (who even had the brain power to decide what was for dinner!). Contorting around ‘S’s long 12-hour workdays, and bewildering night shifts.

What was especially hard, was the emotional side of it.

The feeling of shame that I was neglecting ‘S’ and the boys.

Even when I was at home, although my body was present, my mind often wasn’t.

I’d get transfixed on looming assignments, resulting in me racing through the house at the most inappropriate times, like in the middle of a shower (why do we have some of our best thoughts in the shower?!) To scribble a thought on a post-it note, before it passed through my conscious never to be heard from again.

So maybe, and most-probably, it’s a combination of factors; the experience of what has already been, and the unsettling fear of what’s to come.

The fear of change

Ultimately, I think it’s about a fear of change. The unknown. The lack of control I feel I have around it all. The uncertainty of what I’ll be doing in the future.

Neuroscience tells us that our brains register uncertainty very similarly to an error, that it needs to be corrected. And we’re afraid of change because we can’t foresee the end result, which could explain my feelings over a lack of control.

However, the good news is that our minds are very versatile, and with a little practice and perseverance, can actually thrive in the midst of change.

“Life’s a journey, enjoy the ride”

I have this quote on my wall. And I need to learn to follow it. I need to stop trying to control every millisecond of my existence. And stop treating life like one mahoosive to-do list that needs completing, but just enjoy where I’m at right now! Enjoy the process. And have faith that things will work out just the way they should.

Remember why

AND I need to remember why I decided to do this degree in the first place.

I actually have a post-it note stuck above my desk, as a beacon of determination for when times get hard, saying “Remember that one!”. If I could help just one person then this whole journey will be worth it!

Maybe I just needed this reminder to put me back on my path, straighten me up and give me some much-needed words of encouragement, like my own personal little motivational quote.

And not to let the fear hold me back!