It's Not About Me
When will I learn that not everything is about ME!...
“What Are The Most Powerful Words In The Universe?
The Ones You Use To Talk To Yourself”
Karen Salmansohn
Ever found yourself wondering what you’ve done wrong… only to learn that actually it’s not even about you?
A few weeks ago, a friend suddenly went non-communicado on me…
WhatsApp messages went unread…
Or when those two blue ticks did appear, still no response…
‘Maybe they’ve forgotten to reply’, I thought (I mean, I do this all the time!).
I’ll send another message to check in with them…
Still nothing…
And then it snowballed…
What did I say?
I re-read the message I sent…
Picked apart every word…
Scrutinised every syllable…
Dissected every possible interpretation…Maybe they took it the wrong way…
Maybe they thought I was saying this, when I actually meant that…Did I do or say something wrong the last time we spoke or met up?…
Have I forgotten something important…
Oh my goodness, perhaps they’ve just realised they don’t actually want to be my friend…
Have they figured out I’m no fun, that I’m too introverted, and actually rather irritating, and they never want to speak to me again…
I went from not getting a reply to a message to a full-blown character assassination on myself pretty quickly!
But Then I Find Out…
It was never about ME!
I mean, yeah, come on, get over yourself, Julie!
When this friend did get in touch, it turns out she wasn’t ghosting me at all, she had some really challenging stuff going on in her personal life…
She was navigating a particularly difficult situation at home, she had some stressful things going on at work and was also contending with some health issues…
My friendly little ‘love notes’ on WhatsApp were the least of her concerns, the last thing she needed to worry about and were quite rightly pushed to the back of the queue.
So, why did I make it all about me?
Perhaps it’s just a part of the human condition to overanalyse?
Perhaps it stems from our innate instinct for self-protection, to detect and avoid anything that may cause us harm (physically or emotionally).
Perhaps I’m just the type of person who jumps to the conclusion of “Where did I go wrong?” Heck, I do this all the time as a parent; My kids don’t eat broccoli, well, that’s my fault! My youngest falls over and cuts his knee, yep, that’s on me, I obviously bought him the wrong shoes! My eldest detests French at school, yeah gotta own that one as well!
Which I know is ridiculous!
And what would I say to a friend who is telling themselves the same thing? I would reassure them that, of course, this is nothing they have done, some things are just beyond our control and not ours to own…
So let’s change the narrative
There’s a lot of power in talking to ourselves like we would a best friend, our child or someone we love…
It interrupts the negative self-talk cycle that we climb aboard, and allows the gentle nurturing voice of self-compassion to slow the train down and divert it back towards a kinder and more nourishing landscape; and my word can it do wonders for our mental health!
So, why not give it a try:
The next time you’re being hard on yourself, or saying things that are mean or beating yourself up about something, switch the narrative, and imagine your best friend coming to you with the same thoughts. How would you speak to them? I am pretty sure it would be with more kindness, reassurance, warmth and love than you are giving yourself.
And let me leave you with this… something really interesting that I heard recently: Instead of using “You” or “I” when we talk to ourselves, if we give ourselves a pet name, it automatically makes the narrative softer, kinder and more encouraging!
For example, switching the inner chatter from:
“You are so stupid, why did you say that?…” or “I am such an idiot”
To
“Sweetheart, your heart is in the right place, you meant those words with love” or “Angel, we all make mistakes, it’s OK”
What would your ‘pet name’ be?
Give it a try… see if it changes your negative self-talk, and why not let me know how you get on.
Take care and much love,
Julie x