Seeking Permission
This week's post is all about granting ourselves permission… and the benefits of living with greater autonomy!
“Give Yourself Permission To Slow Down”
Gabby Bernstein
I’ve come to realise that I’m always seeking permission from others, like approval of what to do and how to live, what’s OK and what’s not…
Even at school, I remember badgering teachers to check my work mid-way through to confirm I was getting it right and OK to continue, and I would glow with satisfaction if they gave me praise!
In adulthood, I’m often second-guessing my own choices, actions and beliefs, like safety in numbers - if others agree with me then I can confidently pin it down! Like I need the justification.
Is it that I’m too concerned with what others think of me?
Is it that lack of self-confidence?
Is it a worry about getting things wrong?…
For example, tiredness and fatigue have been my unwelcome but stubborn companions lately! I’ve always been one for an early night, but this has reached new heights since having cancer treatment, with me barely able to stay up until my kids’ bedtimes!
I struggle and fight it, determined to stay up for them because it’s my responsibility, until… a figure is sent to me from above, in the form of Steve, who says to me, “You head on up to bed if you want…?” The gratitude for this offer practically levitating me up the stairs!
But I just can’t seem to grant myself the permission, even though I know it’s acceptable.
Autonomy
Autonomy means having the ability to make decisions about how we live, in a way that feels right for us.
It’s about making choices and having control over our own lives (and we all know how much I like control!? I’ve talked a lot about it here, especially in my post Matching Pegs).
And the benefits of autonomy? It enables us to live more authentically, ultimately leading to better emotional wellbeing!
It’s a win-win!
So, why does it feel so hard sometimes to make decisions that are best for us?
Is it a worry we will appear selfish?
Is it about parenting, and this desire to put our children first in everything we do?
We need to learn, as a society, that we must look after ourselves if we are to be of any use to anyone else – the more we invest in ourselves, the more we can offer to others!
“Taking Care Of Myself Doesn’t Mean ‘Me First.’ It Means ‘Me, Too’”
L.R. Knost
Giving ourselves permission
In the back of my mind, I know I should be granting myself permission to ‘take it easy’, resting when I can, and doing what my body needs… yet I still seek approval.
It’s a misalignment, between my mind and my body… my values and my actions.
It’s a bit like after having a baby! Oh my goodness how I remember when ‘E’ was a newborn and taking a nap, I’d race around the house at a dizzying rate, doing jobs and ‘achieving’ as much as possible, like a crazed contestant on Supermarket Sweep… not allowing myself down-time to rest… What WAS I thinking??
It was like a need to prove my worth… my ‘ability’ to do this, and do it well – to show that I was competent and… deserving!!
And this has been similar during chemotherapy and radiotherapy, my head has still been in ‘normal’ mode wanting to carry on as usual, doing jobs and ticking items off the never-ending to-do list, and I’m sure my body has been silently ranting in the background, ‘seriously woman, take a break!’
But how do we take a break without feeling guilty?!
And why, oh why, should we feel guilty about resting, taking time for ourselves, and taking what we need?!
Is it the fast-paced world we live in where we feel this invisible pressure to drain as much as possible out of each day? To work hard, to keep striving… keep achieving… but at what cost to our physical and mental health!?
And this is not about taking week-long retreats (although that would be very nice!) this could be 5 minutes to enjoy a cup of tea in the quiet of the garden… 5 minutes of reading a book in peace… 5 minutes purely for YOU, doing something that brings you joy… 5 minutes may be all that’s needed to positively impact your day!
Take what is needed
I recently read an article by Dr Peter Harvey (Consultant clinical psychologist at Leeds Teaching Hospital Trust), and he outlines that Recuperation, Convalescence and Rehabilitation are vital components following cancer treatment that should be given more attention and prominence.
Harvey suggests, that in order to fully thrive following treatment, individuals should do each of these, in order, and take all the time that’s needed to move from one stage to the next…
It’s about acknowledging and respecting what your body has been through!
Be patient as you begin to regain physical and emotional strength!
And then start exploring what you want your ‘new normal’ to look like, to live the life you want!
Be patient, it will take time… but my word will it be worth it!
In an ideal world, this would involve lying on a beach in the Maldives, private chefs cooking me nutritious meals, cocktails! delicious juices on hand and reading my way through a pile of books…
In reality… I’m still a mum, living in England, with no private chef, the only thing that rings true is the pile of books I’d like to read!
Which brings me back to this sense of guilt at taking time for me… taking myself off during the day to read quietly, knowing there is a laundry basket full of washing, hoovering to be done or other ‘should do’ tasks lurking in the background.
But reading this article has given me the permission I needed, to focus on taking time for me, to rest and recover… because this is going to benefit me, and everyone else, in the long run!
If like me you feel the need for ‘permission’, I’m here to tell you to offer that to yourself!
Grant yourself permission to take what you need… without feeling guilty!
So, in what ways will you give yourself permission today, or this week…? And let me know, I’d love to hear how it goes for you.
Take care and much love,
Julie x