The 3am Offload!

One of those nights when my brain just won't switch off!

“Surrender Is A Journey From Outer Turmoil To Inner Peace” 

_{Sri Chinmoy}

Well, not usually one to suffer with insomnia, it appears I will tonight.

I woke just before 3am to what I thought was the smell of dog poo?! (Yes you read that right!) Now I do actually have a dog, but even so this was immensely disturbing!

I blurrily fumbled my way around the whole house. Squinting to investigate each room in the harsh brightness as I flicked on each switch…nothing? Absolutely nothing!

It must have been my imagination; it appears my unconscious has a sense of humour!

But at least it wasn’t the smell of burnt toast, I tell myself, isn’t that a sign of a stroke? Admittedly, though, I would have preferred the aroma of toast!

Anyway, zombified I make my way back to bed … but it appears sleep is elusive!

The inner monologue

And so it begins…the after-hours cascade of goings-on being something like this:

• 20 minutes of tossing and turning…

• “I’d better just check my phone” … never know who might be trying to get hold of me at 3am!? …
  

• “While I’m here… (with the mesmerizing blue hue radiating from my screen)… I’ll just have a quick check of Insta”… I know! Biggest no-no, guaranteed to keep you awake better than a mug of espresso…
  

• “Oh my neck feels tight!” Great, the curse of Quasimodo again tomorrow…
  

• “I can’t get comfy”…
  

• Perfect! Now the inner critic chimes in: “I shouldn’t have shouted at the kids earlier!”
  Feeling so consumed with guilt now I just want to hug them and apologise. Although I’m pretty certain they won’t see that as reasonable grounds for such a rude awakening at this hour!
  

• Then up pops the incessant to-do list: “I must ring the doctors and the vets tomorrow and make those appointments!”
  The anxiety around that is a whole other blog post! Why do we always remember these things in the middle of the night when we can’t do anything about them?!
  

• Logic is trying in vain to edge in: “Come on, I need to get some sleep! OK let’s sleep…”…. … …
  

• Another 20 minutes… “ARGHHH this isn’t working! Maybe I should get up, have a warm drink and then try again… but no, I can’t be bothered!”…
  

• “I know, let’s do a guided meditation”…
  

• …14 minutes later: “ahh much more relaxed now… BUT still helplessly awake!”….
  

• So here I am, surrendered to the fact that sleep does not want to come back to me tonight (and being quite a stubborn person I don’t tend to give in easily).

I switch on my laptop, make myself a warm drink (attempting to put the milk away in the cup cupboard completely miffed as to why it won’t fit), and curl up on the sofa to offload.

Releasing the burden of thoughts

It’s clearly my mind that’s keeping me awake. The constant and relentless thoughts swirling around like debris caught in a tornado.

I can almost see this mini version of myself stomping around inside my head in a heated tantrum, screaming and throwing things. Berating me for all the things I appear to have got wrong yesterday. And submerging me in all the things I need to do tomorrow.

Making all those irrational worries seem unavoidably huge in the static solitude of the dark.

My best solution is to get all those things out of my head and onto the page. Perhaps if they’re released from the custody of my mind, like some wayward criminal, it will provide room for restful slumber? … even if it’s only an hour before the harsh unwelcoming sound of my alarm.

And this is something I realise I need to manage better in the future – finding ways to quieten my mind before I go to sleep… meditation, journaling, breathing exercises maybe? To prevent such nocturnal escapades in future.

On a final note, before I physically (and hopefully psychologically) shutdown, there is a plus side to this early-hour excursion – I did catch sight of our resident hedgehog in the garden. Undoubtedly that’s something I wouldn’t have seen if I wasn’t up at this unearthly hour.
Always one to try and find a positive! …Even if that does come in the form of a bristly little character, in my back garden in the dark, eyeing me uneasily through the window.
‘Silver linings’, as they say!