The Downfall Of Being A Reflective Person
This week's post is all about… the sudden realisation that being reflective, means I don’t often deal with things AT THE TIME that they're happening!
“It’s Time For Everyone To Listen. It’s Time To Harness The Power Of Introverts. It’s Time For Quiet.”
Susan Cain
Now, I do love being a reflective person.
It’s what allows me to write so deeply…
It’s what allows me to look back at a situation (sometimes in more horrifying detail than is actually necessary), but consider the origins of thoughts and actions, and ponder the significance…
It helps me to learn from past experiences…
It helps me to make sense of my world of thought…
And crucially, it gives me release from my emotions.
But…
Sometimes it can be infuriatingly frustrating.
I’m one of those people who thinks of a great comeback hours after an argument!
Who plots the perfect reaction days after the incident in question!
And worst of all, I often don’t ask for help until after I need it!
When I’m having a rough time, feeling low or struggling, I grit my teeth, hold my breath and keep my head down until I’m through the other side.
It’s like I need to ensure I can get through it… before I acknowledge it.
Only THEN can I pause and go ‘oh yeah that was hard, I should really have reached out there!’ Only THEN can I face it and talk about it…
Needless to say hindsight is a constant thorn in my side, always on hand to snigger down my ear “well that would have helped back there!” and “oh if only you’d have done that, at the time!”
Yes, not helpful inner critic, but thanks anyway for your input!
Whereas, what would be better (a.k.a. more helpful and healthier), would be to, literally and metaphorically, take a breath… pause… and acknowledge things AS they are happening.
And most importantly reach out when I need to – not afterwards.
This is me
Now it’s not that I want to change my traits, as I say I love being ‘a reflective’.
I love having this deep, inquisitive, exploratory thirst for understanding, for attributing meaning to actions and experiences, a hunger for deeper connection to my subconscious.
And I also believe it’s part and parcel of being an introverted personality type.
I own it.
I embrace it.
So then is it really a downfall?… Or is it a gift?
After all, it’s these characteristics that make me, ME.
That allow me to write!
To be passionate about writing about deep and meaningful things.
And it’s my way of releasing.
That’s what makes it healthy for me.
It’s my way of acknowledging things that need to be acknowledged, yet are usually found hiding in the dim crevices of my subconscious, lingering and waiting for the perfectly inopportune time to spring out and send me flying!
Can I learn to recognise?
Can I learn to reach out, at the time, when I’m struggling?
I have so many good people around me, family and friends, who I know are there, if and when(ever) I need them, and this isn’t about them, this is all me!
This is about me physically and psychologically not being able to do it in the moment.
But why?…
Because I need proof that I can make it out before I stop to acknowledge it?
Because facing something that is very real in the present moment is just too scary?
Because acknowledging it and saying the words out loud and sharing my feelings, fears, worries and difficulties makes them even more true somehow?
Now I know that the alternative of pushing them away, squashing them down and ignoring them is NOT going to help!
In the long-term, they’re going to come up and bite me in the ass in the most unexpected way, at the most unexpected time. Because, well, that’s just how life goes isn’t it.
Perhaps I’m telling myself that I’m not avoiding or ignoring it, just shelving it until after. And maybe this is true, and my way of ‘coping’.
But honestly, deep down, I still know that acknowledging and facing it at the time is THE most effective way to deal with and overcome it.
Lightbulb moment
A couple of nights ago I went to a brilliant session about supporting children with anxiety, presented by the lovely Jennifer at Bridge the Gap, and one thing she explained has really stuck with me –
When dealing with difficult emotions, like anxiety, we’re not trying to eliminate the feeling; anxiety is a real, necessary and normal emotion, what we are aiming to do is find strategies to recognise it and then continue with daily life with it bobbing along in the background.
And wow, eureka moment!
I mean ignore the ‘child’ part of this whole session I’m here for ME!
When we’re trying to get rid of a feeling we wear ourselves out, we are fighting a losing battle.
We will never remove feelings like anxiety because they are necessary human emotions, but what we can learn to do is acknowledge it, accept it, explore it and move past it, so it does not interfere with our day-to-day lives.
So, how the heck do I do that?!
Well, I’m a big advocate of self-awareness!
I think the more we can learn to be self-aware, the better it is for our emotional health.
So here I am, recognising my reflective personality, and my incapacity to process in the moment, but now being aware of this… and that’s the first step!
So hopefully, the next time I feel trampled by the weight of difficult emotions, I will be more receptive to acknowledging it, be reminded of writing this, and recall the things I identified that would help, like reaching out to someone at the time that I need it.
It’s worth a try at the end of the day, so let’s have a go and see what happens…
For information about Bridge The Gap, and some really helpful resources, see here: BRIDGE THE GAP - Child Mental Health C.I.C
I think adulthood and parenthood helps this! You almost stop caring as much ha ha. Although I'm an extrovert I used to do this a lot. There are like 3 core memories of things I wished I'd of done better in the moment!!!😆