The Football Party Fail
When Things Don't Go As Expected…
“Life Is Not What You Expect: It Is Made Up Of The Most Unexpected Twists And Turns”
Ilaiyaraaja
So recently, ‘A’ had a birthday party to go to… it was a football party and he loves football!
However… he didn’t want to go!
And this is a regular occurrence with him;
…Is he just a home-bird?
…Is it social anxiety (or is this my current viewpoint misting the situation!)
…Or can it simply be that he just can’t be bothered to go anywhere?!
However, once he’s out he’s usually OK…
He had another party a few weeks before and I practically had to force him to go, but he loved it!!
“Best party ever” apparently!
He had so much fun… he joined in with the games… he laughed…
[heading] So there was me thinking this is the same situation…
it appears it was not!
And I made one disastrous mistake – I agreed that if he didn’t want to join in, then he could stay with me!
On the side-lines
So… we get there … the party starts … all the kids gather round … and there’s me and ‘A’ on the side-lines - literally!
Him refusing to join in.
And then comes the question…
“Can I stay with you?”
Well, I’d already verbally signed that contract hadn’t I!
I couldn’t exactly go back on my word!
One of the girls assisting the football frenzy approached us and asked if ‘A’ would like to join in… still there was a resounding “no”
All the other parents were ushered to the ‘viewing gallery’ upstairs.
But we remained steadfast in the hall.
Like a couple of subs on the bench waiting to be called up.
Me hoping that with time (and close proximity), he might succumb to the alluring enjoyment and actually join in … but my hopes were dashed!
Never to be actualised.
We ended up spending the best part of an hour sitting there watching the party.
My sporadic enthusiastic prompts and attempts at persuasion failing miserably … like I was trying to sell ice to an Eskimo!
At the party vs after the party
At the party I felt ‘motherly’; supporting, guiding and protecting … forever attempting to walk the tightrope between nurturing advocate and encouraging coach.
Trying to gently encourage his independence without insensitively pushing him away and ignoring his heartfelt feelings.
However, as we drove away … the further I drove, the more frustrated and irritated I became.
This escalating sense of annoyance ambushing me.
How easily I slip into comparative mode! Unhelpful questions invading me: “Why my child? Every other child there happily and easily joined in”?!
Consciously (and rationally), I know I shouldn’t compare my children to others.
They’re all individual little beings.
Unique and bespoke.
Not mass-produced in some moulding machine, expected to act, behave, and develop systematically.
However… logic abandoned me.
And subconsciously the searing sting of imbalance often engulfs me with such rapid speed it is difficult to dive out of its approach.
And as the day wore on, this sense of discontent seemed to occupy my entire body.
But my conscious was battling to emerge into the spotlight …
[heading] And so I slowly began to recognise it…
I began to question it;
“What was really going on here?”
“What is this really about?”
And the pivotal question …
”What does this reaction say about ME?!”
Because ultimately I think this situation, and my reaction to it, says more about me than it does about ‘A’ …
Is this about how it makes me look and feel?
My embarrassment?
My fear of judgement from others?
My worry of not getting things ‘right’ or reacting the ‘right’ way?
… But then surely, there is no right way?
What may be ‘right’ for one child is not necessarily right for another?
Ultimately I feel we are all navigating this messy, crazy, unpredictable, ambiguous, ‘consecutive array of challenges’ that is life, as best we can.
Not even just as a parent but as human beings!
I saw myself
And fundamentally, I saw a manifestation of myself in ‘A’ … the shy, quiet, socially anxious, and ‘subsequently-hindered’ ME.
I was feeling mad, upset and frustrated with MYSELF! And my own constrains! And then projecting this on to ‘A’s situation.
Am I feeling the burden of my own character difficulties being genetically imposed on ‘A’?
Or… will I ultimately be able to guide and encourage him towards a more confident, authentic, self-assured and content sense of self?
Something I am continually navigating!
However, I aspire to get better at recognising the signs of projecting myself upon my children … like an old movie being replayed within a contemporary backdrop.
Only time will tell, but I believe recognition and awareness is the place to start …