“Words Identify Us, But Don’t Define Us”
Dr Karin Spenser
“Who am I?” I think this is a question we don’t ask ourselves often enough.
And it’s something I found myself asking a few years ago… but I didn’t actually have an answer!
I was a stay-at-home mum, with my youngest hastily approaching the start of school, and I felt I needed to figure out what I was going to do next. And it was like I hit a dead-end, an empty void of identification. All I could think was, “I’m just a mum…”.
Almost like being a mother defined me; my whole self. And it made me think about how often we’re defined by the jobs we do. It’s often one of the first things we get asked when we meet someone. And I must admit as someone who’s never known what they ‘want to be when they grow up’, I’m fascinated to find out what other people do for a living.
So I thought, well if I don’t have a ‘job’, then who or what am I, apart from a mum?
Now don’t get me wrong, I feel so lucky that I could stay at home when the boys were little. It’s something I’d always dreamed of, and I would not change it in a million years. However now, I felt this sense of lost identity.
I wasn’t in my 20s anymore. I didn’t want a job that just paid the bills. What was important to me now had significantly changed; my values, beliefs and priorities.
So, what next?
And so I backtracked and went right down to the basics: What do I enjoy? What am I good at? What do I want?....
And it was quite alarming when I realised I couldn’t answer those questions! I didn’t know who I was any more. This is me, I’m me, yet I don’t know what ‘me’ means?!
It took me weeks, possibly even months, to ponder this. Allowing slivers of my identity to percolate in my consciousness. Admittedly I didn’t make much progress at first! But one thing I did know (and this may sound corny but it’s whole-heartedly true), I knew I needed to do something rewarding. To make a difference to other people… and that was it! Not exactly the grand master plan of life’s ambitions, but it was a starting point at least.
And it was my beautiful sister who sent me a booklet about courses. Now at the time I didn’t realise it was from her. And so when this pack arrived through my letterbox I genuinely believed a guardian angel from the world of ‘hopeless dreams and misdirection’ had magic-ed it to me as a signal to ‘head this way’!
In it, I read about a course on ‘Counselling’ and it really was one of those ‘lightbulb moments’. I haven’t had many in my life, so it was quite distinct. It was like a vision from an uplifting movie, where a bright golden orb shines around the main character, serenaded by enlightening music.
It just felt right, and there was no denying it; I wasn’t trying to shoehorn my enthusiasm and belief into this one.
Now, never one to shy away from learning (or maybe just a glutton for punishment?) I looked at university courses. Having not done it first time round, I figured 20 years too late is better than never. And amazingly my local university had a relatively new degree called ‘Counselling and Psychotherapy Principles and Practices’.
And when one of the lecturers said to me, “The best thing about this course (no matter what or where you decide to go at the end of it), is that you find out so much about yourself! Well if this isn’t a sign from destiny screaming ‘meant to be’ in neon flashing lights I don’t know what is!
The future...
Now, this may seem slightly od, but even when I read that booklet and found the counselling course, and signed up for my degree, and still to this day, it’s not my ambition to become a therapist. My true passion lies in ‘prevention’. And although I still don’t know exactly what that means in terms of a job or career, everything about this course feels right. I’ve enjoyed it so much, (although ask me again in a few months’ time when I’m full swing into my final year and we’ll see if I still have the same enthusiasm)! But I do love it.
So… who am I?
I’m a mum. A partner. A sister. A daughter. A student. A friend.
I live with those faithful companions, depression and anxiety, periodically now. But I’m becoming increasingly better at managing their arduous ways, and batting them off before they become overbearing.
I believe life always has its ups and downs, and it’s more about finding ways that help me to deal with those, than trying to evade them altogether.
I’m attempting to learn to be unashamedly authentic (this one may be a lifelong ambition, but one I’m not giving up on nonetheless).
I love… the smell of coffee. Hugs. The sound of a cat purring. Watching the sun rise. Inspiring non-fiction. Anything almond flavoured. Saxophone jazz. A good old game of rounders with friends and family. That first cup of tea in the morning...
I hate being cold. I’m always tired. And I cannot run to save myself.
I’m good at being on time (except on morning school runs). And I’m compulsively and uncontrollably (and rather infuriatingly) conscientious.
I’m much better at listening, than speaking, and I love hearing other people’s stories.
I think the answer to ‘who am I’ is constantly shifting. Who I am today is not who I was 3 years ago, and definitely not who I was 15 years ago. But it’s something I intend to ask myself every so often, so as not to lose touch with that sense of ‘me’ again.