That Ferocious Beast
This week’s post is all about angry children, Power Pillows and a concept called “Mindsight”…
“The Mind Can Exert An Extraordinary Effect On The Body.”
David R. Hamilton
Argh EMOTIONS!!
How do we navigate them ourselves, let alone help our children to navigate them too?!
I’ve written about this before – about how emotions can build up like a tower of Lego, until one tiny brick is too many and the whole thing comes crashing down! There is so much going on beneath the surface, and as parents, we get the brunt of the explosion… (see my post “A Barrage Of Emotions” Here).
But this week however I want to talk specifically about ANGER!
That ferocious beast we all have inside us!
So, having two boys is brilliant!
I love it!
Their camaraderie… their shared love of football… the way they bounce off each other (literally, I mean!).
And they’ve always got on so well, helping each other and looking out for each other… well until a few months ago!
Perhaps since ‘E’ started secondary school? Perhaps a clash of ages (they’re 12 and 9 now). Perhaps a sign of growth? Testing boundaries? Pushing social etiquette?…
Anyway, ‘E’ will sometimes figuratively prod and poke his younger brother with little jabs, which when combined with ‘A’s short fuse creates an explosion worthy of an appearance in ‘Oppenheimer’!
This results in ‘A’ either lashing out in a flurry of verbal and physical attacks, or he’ll come running to me with a face as red as a poison dart frog and eyes watering with frustration, “Arrrggghhh he makes me so angry!” erupts from his throat and is hurled in my direction!
Now anger is one of those emotions that is particularly strong!
It’s hard to ignore when it ascends, and it easily commandeers control when it comes to our usual code of conduct…
Yet, it’s a normal and necessary emotion!
I remember someone telling me once that:
“The root of all anger comes from not being heard!”
This sounded too simplistic for me at first… but do you know what, it’s true.
This is exactly why ‘A’ explodes, because he’s being ignored by his older brother; he simply isn’t being heard.
And whenever I feel angry it’s because I have not been heard.
For example, every morning in my house, this happens:
“Can you brush your teeth please”…
(Little louder) “Can you brush your teeth please”…
(Louder still) “Can you go and brush your teeth”… … …
Radio silence!…
Complete stillness!…
… and then, after 100 more times, it turns shouty!!
Sometimes this appears to be the only way to be heard!?
And I don’t like shouting, I try my very best not to, but when it happens it’s because I’m not being listened to… I’m being ignored… I’m not being heard!
“Mindsight”
And after a ‘shouty’ episode I always try to explain to the boys why I shouted and how I was feeling…
I name the emotion and try to explain where it came from.
This teaches our children how to recognise their own emotions, to recognise when they felt something strong like anger, how they reacted and perhaps how to change it next time, but most importantly it teaches children they are not their feelings!
They are not an angry child, they feel angry
This enables us to see ourselves as separate from the emotion.
It allows us to gain some distance…
We are not our emotions, we feel them!
This is something called “mindsight” and you can read more about it here.
It’s important to normalise these emotions because we all feel angry sometimes! It’s a human emotion and it’s inevitable that we’re going to feel it but it’s what we do with that anger that matters!
Punching and hitting someone is only going to hurt you and the other person! It’s a lose-lose!
“Noone Heals Himself By Wounding Another”
Ambrose
So, the last time the boys got into an anger-fuelled fracas (just last week), I took ‘A’ out of the room; removed him from the catalyst, and asked him how he felt – “Angry” was the reply! He was naming the emotion, enabling him to acknowledge exactly what he was feeling.
I then asked him to tell me where in his body he could feel it? “My hands, I just want to punch”!
I explained to him that this is very normal and the reason for it is because it’s our body’s way of sending blood and energy to our hands in case we need to ‘fight’ our way out of the situation!
This is an automatic response – it’s our ‘old’ mammalian brains taking over, it’s millions of years of evolution, it’s our brains being stuck in the past, reminiscing our caveman days!
Responsibility
However, although it is not our fault that we have this automatic response, it is our responsibility; we can’t help feeling angry, but it is our responsibility what we do with that anger! For instance, we have a choice whether we hit out at someone or channel it more safely and positively.
This is not always easy, but the more we practice it the easier it becomes because we are rewiring the pathways in our brain to divert the energy generated from anger to a new, safer destination, instead of heading off down its usual road stuck in autopilot!
Anger can help us to take action and prompt change…
“Power Pillow”
Now, with a stroke of impeccable timing, just a day or two before ‘A’s latest angry outburst I saw a post on Instagram from Kate Silverton, (if you don’t follow her, she is well worth checking out – she’s very engaging and offers easy-to-follow strategies and simple education that I know I could do with more of as a parent! See her video here).
She was talking about using a pillow to help children release angry energy, and calls it… “The Power Pillow” (Heck yeah)!
She also suggests that children use words too, to acknowledge and externalise what has happened, describe the situation, name the feelings and, release it and let it go!
So I tried this with ‘A’, and it was unbelievable!
It was literally a minute of me holding a pillow for him to punch and say whatever he was feeling and what had wound him up, and then afterwards I was like, how do you feel now? “Better” he answered as he trotted off… probably to start the next brawl with his brother! (But if he did, I have three more pillows at the ready. Unfortunately, pillow number one did not survive the experience and burst at the seams, although I hasten to add this was not ‘A’s hulk-like strength, it was my dodgy sewing from about a decade ago!!)
Now, this was like a textbook example and let me assure you - this never happens in my parenting life!!! I mean usually, I’m hoping for a forward page-turner and get a misdirection that doesn’t even belong in the same library!
Anyway, this time, miraculously, it worked.
It allowed ‘A’ to acknowledge and label his feelings, step away from the situation; preventing him from hurting himself or his brother, and positively expel the energy…
I love little tips and tricks like this, and I was so impressed with this one that I had to share it with you here 🫶🏻
And the last thing to note: “Mindsight” is a learnable skill, it helps to positively shape the structure of our brains, and the best part is, this isn’t just for the kids, it works for us adults too!
Why not give it a go yourself, I’d love to hear how you get on.
Take care & much love,
Julie x