Choose Your Words Carefully
How we talk to ourselves can be THE difference to our emotional wellbeing!
“The Real Enemy Isn’t Outside Of You - It’s The Voice Convincing You To Doubt Your Own Power!”
Vex King
I’ve noticed that my inner critic is piping up a lot lately, and I don’t like it!
Our inner critic is like our inner bully that lives in our heads and thrives on negativity, self-doubt and criticism.
And this self-criticism has been linked to a worry of what others think of us, that fear of judgement!
It thinks it’s doing us a service and helping to protect us, ironically, trying to keep us from harm, but the truth is it’s the one causing us unnecessary hurt!
Ever find yourself saying things like:
“What is wrong with you!”
“You’re so stupid!”
“You can’t do that!”
“You’re so weak!”
“You’re failing!”
This is the voice of our inner critic and some of the things my inner mad man has been spouting to me recently.
When I visualise my inner critic I see the little red character that personifies anger in the film ‘Inside Out’!
He’s angry, hot-tempered, volatile and provoking.
He has a deep demeaning voice, angry furrowed brows, and fire coming out the top of his head… (and interestingly it’s a ‘he’!?)
Having that inner critic is completely normal, it’s a part of being human… however, we get to choose if we listen to it and let it dictate our lives…
Let’s change the narrative
Look back at those statements above… now imagine how it would feel if a friend said these things to us.
It would sting, right?
And they probably wouldn’t be our friend for much longer!
So why do we allow it from ourselves?
Don’t we deserve better?
Don’t we deserve to be our own best friend, rather than bullied by our inner critic?
Well, I’ve decided I’m not standing for it any longer!
Listening to this degrading voice is only causing me hurt and upset so I’m switching the script (or at least working on it!)…
Whenever this voice hollers at me, I’m going to recognise that it’s my inner critic (that little angry red man), I’m going to acknowledge that it’s only trying to protect me, but assure it that I can take it from here and I don’t need its input.
I am then going to turn to its figurative cousin, the voice of self-compassion!
The one that is softer and soothing, and if we can attune ourselves to listen out for it, will bring us empowerment, support and encouragement.
The comforting voice that reassures:
“It’s OK…”
“I’m doing my best”
“We all make mistakes”
“Keep going… keep trying…”
“Go easy on yourself”
If I had a choice, I know which voice I would rather have as a companion through life’s travels…
Oh wait… we do have a choice!
It is our choice which one we listen to!
And it may take a little practice but won’t it be worth it, to see the benefits to our wellbeing, to see the blue skies that expand above the clouds…
Acknowledge, don’t ignore
The more I’ve become familiar with my inner critic, the more I feel I am understanding and getting to know him better…
I’ve realised that I’d describe him as small!
I don’t feel scared or intimidated by him, and perhaps this symbolises that, through practice, I have some sense of control over him.
And the fact I see it as a cartoon character perhaps symbolises that it’s fictional, imagined, and so not a real threat… unless I choose to make it real!
At the end of the day, the words we hear from our inner critic are just thoughts, and…
thoughts aren’t facts!
But I also need to remember that little character is me.
It’s my own internal creation! And so I can control it.
I can acknowledge it but don’t need to listen to it.
I can move past it gently and harmoniously. No conflict. Not giving it the fight it’s trying to provoke.
And the calmer and more placidly I approach it, the calmer and more peaceful I remain… then the more I can think from the logical, helpful and more trustworthy parts of my brain…
Nevertheless, every so often, I have to remind myself of this because, like recently, I’ve let him take centre stage, and he’s been controlling the show!
So I need to take back the ropes and give the spotlight to my self-compassion, let her take the mic and give some respite from the rising action scenes, offering the audience a power anthem that takes them on a journey and impacts them so profoundly they’re left positively moved and uplifted …
Our thoughts are our wellbeing
Paul Gilbert, founder of compassion-focused therapy and compassionate mind training, explains how our thoughts can substantially affect our wellbeing and physically affect our bodies!
Just like the smell of fresh bread baking causes our mouths to water and our stomachs to release acids ready to digest a delicious lunch, our thoughts pass through the same limbic system in our brains producing physical outputs!
For instance, the voice of our inner critic feeding thoughts through our mind like ”You’re weak”, “You’re failing” or “You’re no good…” causes stress hormones to be released resulting in feelings of unhappiness and anxiety, which over time can cause depression!
A simple thought can have that much control over our mental health and wellbeing!
But the good news is that the voice of self-compassion can cause similar, yet positive effects in our body! If we offer ourselves kind, nurturing and supportive words, it helps us to develop coping strategies and build resilience!
Take care and much love,
Julie x
Compassionate Letter Writing
If you’re interested in trying ways to develop more self-compassion then why not give this exercise by Paul Gilbert1 a go:
Compassionate letter writing is a form of expressive writing that helps us write about the challenges, difficulties or problems that we're facing and then refocus our thoughts and feelings on those that are more supportive, caring and helpful.
Try to do this exercise somewhere you won't be disturbed.
Start by taking some deep soothing breaths…
Imagine writing your letter from a place of compassion, where you are a highly compassionate person and really feel into this kind part of yourself.
Direct the letter to yourself, and as you write acknowledge your difficult situation or problem with understanding and acceptance.
Validate your feelings without dismissing them.
There is no right or wrong here. It's the process that's important! We’re trying to think in a different, more helpful, supportive and caring way.
As you write your letter, it's helpful to focus on things you think will help. Try not to tell yourself what you should or should not do, think or feel, instead, write your letter from a place of warmth and a genuine desire to help.
This is not about being perfect and getting it right first time, it’s more about the process; a change in your thinking and moving towards being more self-compassionate.
And let me know how you found it, I’d love to hear from you!
Gilbert, P. (2010) The compassionate mind. Rev. edn. London: Robinson.