Learning Through Lived Experience
This week’s post is all about how through vulnerability we find the courage to share our struggles… after all, things are better out than in!
“One Day You Will Tell The Story Of How You Overcame What You Went Through And It Will Be Someone Else’s Survival Guide.”
Brené Brown
A couple of weeks ago I had the honour of going back to Derby Uni to give a talk to second-year Counselling and Psychotherapy students about my “Lived Experience”.
I talked about my struggles with mental health, my journey to finding this degree, and then of course, my rather unfavourable curveball – being diagnosed with breast cancer last year (read more about this here).
Learning to share
I shared with the students how profoundly, and irreversibly, this course had changed me!
I learned to lean-in to my experiences, rather than pulling away…
I had learnt to explore, accept and understand myself better…
I had gained emotional resilience…
I had inherited the ability to voice my thoughts, feelings and experiences…
I had learnt to be vulnerable…
And, most importantly, I had learnt to be ‘me’!
The talk I gave to the students is something I wouldn’t have been able to do in the past – too shy, too nervous, too worried no one would be interested, or just a physical inability to speak my story in front of a room full of people!
But my perspective has changed since my cancer diagnosis.
I find myself saying, “So What…?” a lot more!
So what if I make a mistake…
So what if I get it wrong…
So what if someone doesn’t agree…
So what if I make a fool of myself…
…At the end of the day, does it really matter?
I don’t want to miss any more wonderful opportunities due to my (often irrational) fears!
Compassionate Connection
Another, very distinct way this course changed me is how I was positively influenced by the people I met.
During those three years, I found myself surrounded by the most amazing group of individuals, who had been through extremely difficult, yet different, experiences in life, but had the courage to say it out loud… to own it… to share it.
This is not something I’m sure I’ve been exposed to before.
It truly inspired me!
It made me reflect on why I was defending my pride of being such a ‘private’ person, not liking to talk about personal things to others… yet this experience demonstrated that it’s OK, and in fact, can be mutually beneficial.
I feel as though perhaps I’ve gone through life so far feeling vulnerable and threatened by others, with this subconscious mindset that ‘everyone is out to get me’, with no proof or real experience to explain it… perhaps it’s my distorted view due to a lack of confidence (I blame a lot on this can you tell?!)…
Maybe it was always feeling like an outsider?
Maybe from always being too engrossed in the news – consistently confronted with the malicious and immoral in life, and how humanity can turn on itself sometimes.
Maybe we’ve all been conditioned to put up our guards, not to show vulnerability, as a manner of self-protection, but this has rippled outwards, causing distance from each other and an escalating sense of caution.
Because if we show vulnerability, we’re going to get hurt, right?
Well, actually, NO… being vulnerable is not weak… in fact it’s the opposite!
"Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our most accurate measure of COURAGE"
Brené Brown.
If we can find the fortitude in life to be vulnerable it will lead to transformation, like a butterfly emerging from its protective, but restrictive cocoon.
It generates a multitude of benefits to our psychological wellbeing.
Now don’t get me wrong, of course there is a time and place, I’m not suggesting the next stranger you meet you should go right ahead and tell them your life story!
But if you have people in your life who you trust and feel safe with, it’s good to share.
And you never know, perhaps sharing our own vulnerabilities with others will empower them to do the same… causing an ongoing wave of positivity, support and connection!
Because one thing I sincerely believe is that things are better out than in!
If you’ve experienced something difficult, if you’re struggling with something right now, or facing a challenge, it does not serve you to hold it in. And I know it’s scary. Just the mere thought of externalising it means holding it up and actually seeing it, whereas keeping it inside, in the dark, feels safer, like that scary monster under your bed when you were a child. But from my experience, when I bring my fears and worries to the light, they’re not as big and scary as I thought they would be.
The only way we can overcome something is to hold it out, confront it, and only then can we step over it and move on…
Professional support from a counsellor or therapist, is always a good idea, but I would say that, I’m biased, I’ve done the counselling and psychotherapy degree! And I know how hard even getting a few counselling sessions on the NHS is right now. We’re in a mental health crisis.
So don’t underestimate other avenues. Talking to a trusted friend or relative, someone you know will listen and be there for you. Sometimes you don’t even need someone to respond, just hold a space for you to let it out. Do you have someone in your life who could do this for you? Someone at home, a relative, a close friend, even someone at work?
Writing is my way of externalising
You probably know how much I like writing?! it’s my thing I suppose. But I’ve also come to realise that it’s my source of eternalising. I guess you could say it’s my self-therapy.
I often struggle with verbal words, I find it hard to articulate a lot of things, especially my feelings or struggles in life, so I offload to my journal.
Last year I did a therapeutic journaling course (with the amazing Tanya at @EaseRetreats), and I learned to spill my heart (… and head… and soul… and all its messiness) to the page. To dig deep and explore my inner world - I can totally see why it’s called therapeutic journaling!
But I also learnt to share my thoughts and feelings with people I didn’t know that well. Unlike uni, where I had three years to build relationships and a sense of security within a group, I only had a matter of weeks in the journalling programme, but I did it.
Again cementing the notion that there are so many good people in the world, present and willing to hold you and your vulnerabilities.
The day that changed it all
Now I remember my Lived Experience lecture at uni, it was our third year, the end of the first term and it was a pivotal moment for me.
It was like we all hung our armour up at the door, ready to be in a place of shared vulnerability, and walked into the lecture theatre in our bare skin (I didn’t mean for that to sound like we were all naked! It wasn’t that kind of course!)
Our truly inspiring lecturer held the baton, trusting us all with her own heartfelt story… she simultaneously demonstrated such incredible vulnerability and extraordinary strength; it was impossible not to be moved by her experience.
She had lit the torch and then offered it to the room…
So many people shared their stories that day, or at least part of them, me included!
This was huge for me, I had never shared something so personal before, yet I did that day. And yes it felt scary, and yes I worried if it was the right thing to do, this was new territory after all! But there at that moment, in that experience, every person left an imprint on me, one which I hold dear to my heart and hope to pass on to others… that it’s OK to share your story, and there ARE people out there who will hold you up as you do so.
So, the fundamental reason I wanted to share my story the other week is because I want to take the beacon of hope, the strength of vulnerability and the courage to speak our stories, that I witnessed that day at uni… and I want to offer it forward to others, because although sharing our stories, our struggles, and essentially, our truths will not automatically fix everything, it will ultimately provide positive improvements to our wellbeing.