So this is what it looks like…
TRIGGER WARNING! This week’s post discusses my cancer diagnosis…
“Only When We Are Brave Enough To Explore The Darkness Will We Discover The Infinite Power Of Our Light”
Brené Brown
TRIGGER WARNING - This week’s blog post is a bit of a hard one, and talks about cancer diagnosis. If you think you may find it too upsetting please look after yourself, and perhaps consider reading it at a different time, when you feel ready and in the right space 💗
For those who do decide to read on, do not fret, it still has the usual hankering of humour and pop of positivity … keep an eye out for a confession of talking to the mirror, and throwing a very different kind of party!!
So, there is something I want to share with you here…
And although it’s not easy to write, it’s also not easy to read, so please look after yourself and each other (OMG did I just quote Jerry Springer?!)
If you find any of the content here difficult or worrying please see links at the bottom of the post for help and support.
On 13th June 2023, I heard the words no-one wants to hear “It IS cancer”.
I’d had tests done on a lump I’d found, and was now being diagnosed with invasive lobular breast cancer (this is where the cancer develops in the milk lobules and then spreads to the surrounding tissue).
It’s a less-common type of breast cancer (who knew there was more than one?!), and is more common in ‘older’ women! 🤨 (I mean come on universe talk about kicking a girl geriatric when she’s down… I was 41, not 91!?)
The days following my diagnosis I remember thinking – so this is what it looks like then!
This is what someone with cancer can look like!?
I’ve always thought that when I hear someone has cancer images flash instantly before my eyes of ill-looking, frail individuals with sallow skin, and rake thin.
Yet I’d be looking in the mirror feeling like an imposter, thinking, but I look like ME still!
I’d be walking down the street fighting the urge to jump in people’s faces and announce it – “I have cancer! ME! I’ve got cancer”, because I looked perfectly well and healthy (and this urge intensified when I had a couple of run-ins with some ‘older folk’ who rather rudely request I move so they could take up both seats at the bus stop, when I was only occupying one with my derriere, and feeling weak post-surgery, or another abruptly requesting I move from my resting-frog position in front of the fridge at the Co-op deliberating which cold meat I was craving that day following my first round of chemo)!
Anyway that’s clearly a little pent-up frustration I was unknowingly harbouring!?
But that’s what it can be like sometimes – so much can be going off inside us, but from the outside you’d never know, and it reminds me to just be kind and give people the benefit of the doubt – we’ll never know what someone else may be dealing with 💗
Have a good cry!
As you can imagine, I had quite the breakdown following my diagnosis.
There were a lot of tears… and questions… and surrealness… and bewilderment…
But I allowed this.
I allowed myself to cry, and question.
I allowed myself to feel angry… and sad… and shocked… and scared… and worried… these are normal human emotions!
And It’s ok to break down– because then we can move on, and more positively.
It’s so important to release!
Release the energy that builds up within us.
Release the anger, tension, fear, frustration.
But how? … run, walk, dance, box, scream into a pillow… just cry and let it out!
Ever wonder why you feel better after a good cry?
Well there’s a reason for this - research has discovered that crying actually releases feel-good chemicals like oxytocin and endorphins.
This eases emotional and physical pain, reduces stress and improves our feelings of wellbeing.
And don’t be afraid. I was scared that if I fell apart I wouldn’t be able to get back up again – but we do!
Being able to release pent-up negative emotions, allows us to let go of it and gives us space and energy to move on.
Whereas, pushing it away, forcing it down, repressing it and avoiding it, doesn’t get rid of it, it just allows it to simmer and grow!
So go ahead, have a good cry sometimes 💙
I ultimately believe this is what has now helped me to move on more positively.
I released all those crappy, difficult and terrifying feelings… allowing me to be able to step over it and move forward.
And don’t get me wrong, I still have moments where it slaps me round the face, and I feel sad and worried and I cry, but most of the time, I’ve come to accept it and also see it from a different perspective…
It’s given me a profound sense of gratitude.
It’s given me an appreciation for life (I know it sounds like I’ve just lifted this from a cheesy-feel-good movie) but it’s true…
I have an appreciation for things in my life I never could have imagined before:
I instantly felt closer to, and comforted by, nature.
[See my post Mother Nature's Present about a poem I wrote at this time].An urge to be outside…
To walk barefoot on the grass…
I see opportunities, I’m less fearful of putting myself out there and giving things a go…
I’m not overthinking what other people think of me, because this is my truth!
I think I’ve become more ‘me’, more authentic and genuine – with myself more than anything.
And talk about fears disappearing – I mean cancer and your own mortality is one of life’s biggest fear-f**kers! And so unbelievably my fear of spiders… and paranormal activity… and breaking rules… just don’t seem that scary anymore!
Learning to say the words
I must admit, at first I didn’t think I could do it… tell people I had cancer.
And you know what I did?… (this actually happened!) I practised saying the words out loud to myself in the mirror! Yep indeed!
And do you know what? It really helped. I got used to saying the word “cancer”.
I got used to hearing and seeing myself say it.
And I’ve got to be honest, it has been extremely crap having to share the news that no-one wants to hear!
Independently making people feel sad and upset, and cry.
It’s pretty bloody horrendous!
BUT you know the most amazing thing – that when I did tell people, (and once we got past the tears, and anger, and all the other sh1ttyness that comes with it) – it made me feel so unbelievably grateful for all the people I have in my life that love me, and support me, genuinely care and go out of their way to be there for me. And not just me but Steve and the boys too.
It filled me with such a deep sense of gratitude.
And I began to realise that the more I shared it, the lighter it got.
Each time I can tell someone about my diagnosis, or talk about my treatment, feelings, worries…all of it, each and every time I feel like a little bit of the load has evaporated.
And I gain such a profound sense of strength and positivity from other people.
Good things can come from bad situations 💗
But this doesn’t just apply to cancer – any experience or life situation that we are finding difficult… upsetting… challenging, sharing it and talking to someone can really help…
Help how we see it,
Help how we feel about it,
Help us to acknowledge it,
Help us to seek and accept support from people who care for us.
So, what am I gabbing on about here?… Let’s talk!
If there’s something you’re carrying, contending with or struggling with, talk to someone you trust, see if it lightens your load.
I really hope so ❤️
“There Is No Courage Without Vulnerability”
Brené Brown
Treatment so far…
So, I had surgery in August – a single mastectomy (yes I am now lopsided and if I stand still too long, am liable to fall over), and also had my lymph nodes removed on one side as the cancer had spread there too.
But not before throwing a ‘Bye-Bye Boobie Party!’ Heck yeah!!!
If I was losing a faithful companion then it was getting a proper send-off!
We had boobie balloons, a boobie cake (with colourful rainbow filling) and games: shoot the sh1tty titty (courtesy of Nerf guns and balloon targets), bash the boobie piñata (courtesy of me and my papier-mâché… skills?), and then shots of ‘Samboobcca’ (soon to be copywrited!).
I’m not sure if my boys found it hilarious or mortifying… maybe both!?
And now I am currently undergoing chemotherapy.
I had my second, (of eight), sessions on Tuesday – so I am currently in the ‘I look and feel horrendous’ stage, but if it’s like last time, I’ll bounce back after two weeks and feel pretty damn good… for a week… then back for more! 🥴
I need to talk…
I’ve also started some counselling, in the hope that talking about it to a professional will help me to further come to terms with it and move forward with hope and positivity.
And interestingly, in my first session the counsellor questioned if I was in ‘denial’… and, in true ‘someone-WITH-denial’ form, of course I denied it, “No, I’m not” was my knee-jerk reaction!
But it’s got me thinking…
Firstly, denial is a defence mechanism cleverly orchestrated by our brains in an attempt to protect us from getting emotionally hurt.
The thing is, in the long run, it often doesn’t help at all.
The second thing is, it’s an unconscious act, so how the heck am I supposed to know if I’m in denial if I’m not conscious of it?!?! I mean talk about a catch-22!
Could I be compartmentalising?
Putting things into smaller, more manageable boxes – for example, there is a long road ahead – radiotherapy after chemotherapy, followed by several other potential drug treatments, and awaiting results for the BRCA gene…
But right now I need to conserve my energy to get me through the chemo.
So, I’m focussed on getting through this part with the best physical and mental health I can.
Then when this is over, then I will focus on the next part.
Surely, this is logical… and mindful… and healthy?
Take one step at a time? Take each day as it comes?
I’m not denying the future, just focussing my attention on where it needs to be right now.
I wonder if the reason my counsellor asked me if I’m in denial is either:
a. Because I’m not in floods of tears talking to her about it! (I have been there and done that… and will be there again I’m sure, just not right now!)
OR
b. Because I haven’t shared it with the ‘world’ yet…
To share or not to share…
So… why, exactly, have I not shared this with my ‘social media’ world?
I’ve shared it with family and close friends… (and the odd random I meet in the hospital foyer), but why not online?
Initial thoughts were – I’m not ready for the world to know yet.
But then in a way, I feel like I’m harbouring a secret. Yet it’s not a secret, I don’t mind who knows and will happily talk about it to anyone!
But why do I not feel the need or desire to ‘announce’ it?
Fundamentally, I don’t think I have a good-enough reason to right now.
Or could it be that my social media world still exists with the ‘old’, pre-cancer me (hmm could this be denial?)
But then having cancer is still me.
Just an evolving version of me.
But then isn’t that life anyway!? Aren’t we constantly evolving and changing!? We just have to keep up - acknowledge, process and move forward…
Also, at the same time – I don’t want to upset other people.
Cancer is one of life’s biggest sh1tshows!!! That so many people are affected by. Lots of people hate hearing or saying the word – hence why it has been given the nickname of “The Big C”.
It has the power to instantly conjure memories and experiences, or hit fast-forward to a worst-case scenario… and it makes people confront their own mortality.
So what would I gain from sharing it on social media? What would be the goal? I don’t think there is one, at least not right now…
But here, on my blog, it’s different.
I want to share it here with you, it feels right and there IS a reason behind it… I feel like we are part of a community of shared interests to feel connected, inspired, open and real…
I want you to take something positive from this…
It’s ok!
It’s ok to face these things.
It’s ok to talk about these things.
And do you know what, it’s also ok to be ok about cancer.
Don’t get me wrong cancer is the crappest of the crap – but even in the crappiest of times, we can find hope and positivity… and laughs… and definitely things to be grateful for…
And why am I sharing this now?
Because this is my reality, right now… everything evolves around my cancer at the minute, and although I don’t want this to become a ‘cancer blog’, I feel like I can’t continue to write open, honest and genuine posts without referring to it!
It’s emerging in all my writing, [and subconsciously in my dreams - see my last post Left Behind to read more about this].
But that’s because it’s a huge part of my life right now that needs acknowledging…
So let’s have conversations – let’s not be afraid to talk about the realness of life!
“The Dark Does Not Destroy The Light; It Defines It. It’s Our Fear Of The Dark That Casts Our Joy Into The Shadows”
Brené Brown
PLEASE … check your chest – no matter your age or gender!
Get to know what’s normal for you, and get any changes checked out.
If you have found any of the information covered here difficult or distressing or you’re worried about your own health, please find some helpful support links below:
CoppaFeel is an incredible charity with an abundance of information, support and ‘fun about feeling’!
Check out their ‘chest checklist’, set up regular reminders, read about the amazing life-saving work they’re doing as a charity, or hear founder of CoppaFeel, Kris Hallenga’s incredibly inspiring story.
Macmillan is the UK’s leading cancer support charity, established in 1911, providing cancer services, support research and campaign for better care.
They have support helplines, online chat, community support and more.
“The Macmillan Support Line offers confidential support to people living with cancer and their loved ones. If you need to talk, we'll listen.”
Breast Cancer Now is the UK’s largest breast cancer charity. Their website offers information and support for spotting the signs of breast cancer, as well as diagnosis, through treatment, and local events.
They’ve invested over £268 million in breast cancer research, and by 2050 it’s their mission that everyone who develops breast cancer will live!
And for help, information or advice on emotional wellbeing, please find some useful links here.
Ooh this hits a spot. Sending much light & love your way. You can read my latest post, but in short - hey cancer buddy! My experiences were different to yours. I had loads of denial- “but I’m not sick!” I can’t count the number of times I said that. And I didn’t feel sick until those surgeons got their mitts on me. Well done for sharing. It does feel good to get it out I think. I journaled on Facebook with daily gratitude posts last year from when I was listed for surgery. Lots of people reached out to me as a result.
Agh Julie! What a ride this must be.
Fucking cancer....
Hope sharing has helped lighten the load a tad.
Anything you can think you need that we could offer... A batch of food, a kid pick up, a chat... let us know 💛