Life Doesn’t Form An Orderly Queue
Trauma... on top of trauma... on top of trauma...
“Trauma Creates Change You Don’t Choose.
Healing Is About Creating Change You DO Choose.”
Michele Rosenthal
Last week, I had an appointment with my hospital’s Late Effects team about the ongoing side effects from my cancer treatment, and a lovely nurse named Monica explained a lot!
She gave me so much time and patience, and information (and I like information! I like to know the hows and whys, so I was in my element!)
I’m a big believer in the phrase:
“Knowledge Is Power”
When I have information about something, it helps me to gain some control over it (oh goodness, here’s my hankering for control yet again!)
Or, at the very least, it enables me to understand it better, to see it more clearly, perhaps even to accept it.
One of the first things Monica made me realise was the extent of what I’d been through:
I’d been diagnosed with cancer and within two months I’d had major surgery…
Before I’d recovered from that, I’d started chemotherapy…
And before I’d had a chance to recover from that, I’d started radiotherapy…
Alongside all of this, I’d been having hormone treatment, thrust into medical menopause (which is traumatic all on its own), and then immediately started adjunctive drug treatment…
And that’s not even touching on the psychological weight and emotional burden of it all…
At no point did my body have the chance to take a breather and catch up!
Pause and acknowledge
I knew about some of the after-effects of radiotherapy, like the dreadful fatigue that can plague us for two long years following treatment, but I’d never considered everything else…
I had literally put my head down and powered through like a headstrong bull in a rodeo. Not coming up for air or pausing to notice, because it literally took all my strength just to hold on tight and ride it out…
I don’t think I’ve given myself enough time or space to reflect on the colossal life-changing journey that I’ve been on over the past couple of years…
I mean, without warning, I was strapped into a rocket and sent into space, and I found myself floating in this black void that I had never seen coming.
And all I could do to survive was keep blindly swimming, hoping to spot some view of normality whilst trying desperately to avoid the asteroids that hurtled my way…
But now it’s time to acknowledge it…
Complex, multi-layered TRAUMA
Monica explained to me that what I had experienced was:
Trauma,
…on top of Trauma,
…on top of Trauma….
The diagnosis… the surgery… the chemotherapy… the radiotherapy… the drug treatment…
And it made me think, isn’t that just true of life!
Things don’t happen in isolation… they don’t form a neat and orderly line, awaiting their turn (oh if only they did)! Life’s a head-f..f…f…fart of everything all at once!!
We’re caring for elderly parents whilst going through a divorce…
We’re supporting our teens through exams whilst simultaneously facing redundancy…
We’re putting on a brave face at work to prove we’re good at our jobs whilst tackling crippling health issues.
So, what is trauma?
Expert Gabor Maté explains that ‘trauma’ is the psychological wound left from an event or experience.
The trauma is not the event itself but the mental and emotional impact it has on us internally… an injury that is left open and sore… an injury that is left unhealed.
Similarly, Bessel Van Der Kolk suggests trauma leaves a physical and emotional imprint on us; it affects our bodies and changes our brains.
Trauma seeps into our being… it pulls the strings on our actions… it intercepts our thoughts and commands our behaviours.
And the most important thing to know is that:
Trauma is individual.
There is no comparison, no hierarchy, no leadership board, no benchmark, no guideline or barometer.
We will all experience, internalise and manage trauma differently.
One person’s trauma is no more significant or worthy than another’s; if it’s enough to deeply affect you, then it’s trauma.
For example,
Having a friend stand you up for a lunch date may be annoying, but it probably isn’t going to be traumatic, whereas the 6-year-old child at a new school, who gets stood up by the one person in their class that was nice to them, it’s probably going to be pretty traumatic.
Some of us can cope with our parents’ divorce, whereas others of us would crumble and fall apart.
There is no right or wrong, no valid or invalid traumas.
Healing hope
There is hope!
Healing from trauma is possible!
Just like a physical wound, internal wounds can also heal; they too just take a little time, attention and soothing, in this case through self-compassion and self-awareness… being curious to find out more about ourselves…
And this brings me back to “Knowledge is Power”, because if we understand more about our traumas and the effect they have on us, for example, how we behave, and we meet that with self-compassion, showing ourselves supportive kindness, then that is where true healing begins.
It takes work and vulnerability, but it’s also then that we decide to stop letting the trauma dictate our lives.
So, for me, realising that it will take me three times as long to recover from a cold or virus, because it’s all my body has got to offer to get me better whilst it’s still recovering from the physical multi-layered traumas of the past, reminds me to slow down sooner and be patient, to give my body a little helping hand…
Or when I get twitchy in the evening because I’m getting irritable at the noise levels of the latest Fortnite tournament happening in my living room, I know this is my body’s communication system telling me fatigue is setting in, and I need some space and quiet to decompress.
It’s also enabled me to cut myself some slack (here’s the self-compassion), because life didn’t stop while I was going through cancer treatment; I had to straddle both lanes simultaneously.
Let’s celebrate ourselves
My body has been operated on, poisoned and blasted with radiation… I’ve been prodded and poked more than the average turkey at Christmas… I’ve had my ovaries forcefully shut down and my progesterone production halted… I’ve undergone infusions and monthly blood tests for two straight years… had implants thrust into my stomach every four weeks, and I down daily drugs…
But look, I’m still standing! Albeit resembling an 84-year-old nowadays, but standing nonetheless.
I don’t think any of us give ourselves enough credit for what we have been through…
So, how about you?
When was the last time you stopped to acknowledge what you’ve been through? Took credit for that life event that you tackled and made it to the other side?
Managed a multitude of ‘life events’ all at the same time…
Because, let me tell you, I bet you have been through some stuff that others would have been crushed by… that others would look at you in pure awe and amazement of… You are a superhero in your own beautiful tenacious right! Don’t ever forget it!
We can’t stop trauma from happening in life, but we can help ourselves to recognise and reduce the impact it has on us…
Let’s support and encourage each other and get through this together 💗
And please, if you’re struggling with something right now, reach out for professional support, it could make a world of difference.
See a list of helpful links here:
Help and support
Take care and much love,
Julie x
Why not get in touch, you can message me here:
Ugh! It's such a welcome breath of fresh air when someone basically says, "Of course you're not feeling as strong, vibrant and clear-headed as you normally would. Of course you're emotionally wobbly! Look at everything you've been navigating."
We aren't always able to recognize it plainly ourselves. I love Monica! And thank you for passing this along. ❤️