Oops I Made A Mistake - What NOT To Do!
This week’s blog post is all about the importance of listening to the messages being communicated to us through our bodies… and not to ignore them!
“The More We Run From A Problem, The More We’re Actually Running Into It.”
Pico Iyer
So, I’m going to start with a little caveat today… well more of a confession – I’m a hypocrite!
I’m always harping on about self-awareness and the importance of facing up to things… and, well, I have a prime example of what not to do for you here…
Ignoring the signs
So… I’ve been experiencing a tingling sensation in my right leg the past couple of weeks and it’s gradually been getting worse… it’s gone from whispering the odd turn of phrase, to a constant white noise!
And in my mind I’m thinking “Is this a blood clot?” (thanks anxiety for jumping to the worse-case scenario, as usual)!
But instead of getting it checked I’ve been leaving it, because I didn’t want it to delay my chemo!
I have one more week (at the time of writing this) and I am so bl@@dy stubborn, that I’d rather risk a blood clot partying in my lower leg than potentially delay chemo for a week or two?!!? (I know this is missing an enormous element of common sense!)
What Not To Do
(DISCLAIMER – If you’re experiencing any physical sensation that you’re worried about please get it checked! I DO NOT CONDONE MY ACTIONS HERE!)
Anyway, I purposefully (and irresponsibly!) waited until I’d had my medicine to discuss with the nurse about said ‘leg tingling’, and she informed me it’s probably something called neuropathy (This is a type of nerve damage that is common amongst cancer treatment – affecting up to 40% of people receiving chemotherapy. Find out more about neuropathy here).
I think the nurse was a little disappointed in me that I hadn’t mentioned it before having the offending drugs… and rightly so!
I felt like a naughty school girl who’d just done something wrong and was teetering on a very fine line of being sent to the headteachers office!
Anyway, the nurse was so lovely, as they all have been, and explained that it’s a side effect of the drug, Paclitaxel, and if it continues to tell them before my next (and final) session, because her concern is that it can take a very long time to resolve!
So, I’m going to hold my head in shame and contact my consultant this week and tell her about it, and suffer the potential consequences of delaying my final treatment – because it’s the right thing to do!
Self-compassion
So, yes I know I have been very irresponsible (a.k.a. down-right stupid?!), but as a devout follower of self-compassion, I’m reminding myself that I’m human, and suffer the inevitable traits of ‘getting things wrong sometimes’, and that’s OK,
The important thing is we learn from our mistakes.
In future, I intend to take my own advice, pay more attention to what’s going on for me physically, as well as emotionally, and face whatever comes up, instead of pushing it away!
If I had faced up to this sensation when it first began, the doctors could have altered my drugs to prevent it getting worse!
But I’m trying to treat my shamed inner self with the love, nurture and encouragement I would a child who’s made a mistake and is being hard on themselves… with kindness, and understanding, and encouragement.
Emotional Intelligence
But here’s another thing…
During my recent therapeutic journaling course “Rage On A Page” (Read about that experience here) I had the privilege of attending some sessions with an incredible lady called Natasha Albeer, about “EMOTIONAL AGILITY”.
Natasha runs a business called ‘Natural With Horses’ and combines emotional intelligence teachings alongside her emotionally intuitive horses, in the Sussex countryside.
Natasha explained to us that ‘Emotional Agility’ is about using our emotions as information, and how the body communicates messages with us through physical sensations!
It was absolutely fascinating and so insightful! At one point I discovered that I was suppressing anger at not being able to verbally communicate something, which was manifesting as tension in my jaw…
Anyway, back to the tingly leg…
Also in the sessions, we did a body scan, and of course I picked up on the sensation in my leg (shouting up at me “I’m still here you know!!”)
I breathed into it and listened to what my body was trying to communicate – now this involves just simply paying attention to whatever comes up - and the very first thing is your gut instinct; it could be a word, an image, a colour, a shape… anything. And it may not initially make sense…
For me, as I paid attention to the tingling in my leg, I saw an image of a book, or paper… and I could not fathom it!! How does a sheet of paper or book relate to my tingly leg??
But NOW it makes sense (hello hindsight!)… because I believe the ‘paper’ image, was my mind trying to communicate that I should re-read the information booklets I was given about Paclitaxel (the second chemo drug I was on). Whereby I would have realised a tingling sensation is a symptom of neuropathy, a known side-effect clearly associated to my treatment, and… I would have discussed it earlier with the nurses!
So… I had only recently been introduced to the fascinating communication networks between the mind and emotions, the body and physical sensations… and how important it is to listen – and I still made the mistake of ignoring it!
On account of this, please learn from me, and if you’re experiencing any physical sensations listen to what your body’s trying to tell you… and get it checked out if you’re worried.
But, if like me, you’ve made a mistake, please bear in mind that we all make mistakes, and we’re constantly learning! And here’s a gentle reminder…
It’s how we move forward that really counts!
UPDATE – I have now finished chemo!! Hoorah!! 🥳 and the tingling is subsiding…!
To find out more about Natasha’s work follow this link to her site, Natural With Horses, where you can read more about her emotional intelligence and wellness work.
I found much of the information overwhelming at the time. I just wanted salient points. I hope your tingling eases off now that you’ve finished the chemo.