There's No Going Back!
This week’s post is all about how we can’t ever go back to a time in the past… instead we must find a way of embracing the transitions!
“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new”
Socrates
I’ve noticed something recently, I keep finding myself unintentionally daydreaming about going ‘back’…
-Back to a previous version of myself…
-Back to before I was diagnosed with cancer…
-Back to a time before my mastectomy when I had two b@@bs (!?)
-Back to a time when this wasn’t my all-consuming reality (not the b@@b part but the whole cancer showdown!)…
I think I’m feeling frustrated at where I currently am – lost amidst the fog of unknown… the uneasy sense of little control over my life… the constant hospital visits… weekly chemo sessions… and not looking or feeling at all like myself!
(You know styling my hair and doing my make-up used to feel like a daily chore… now I miss it! I’d love to have the chance to dry my hair with a hairdryer… straighten or curl it… pin it up… wear it down…
Do my eye make-up - which I can still do but doesn’t quite look the same with almost no eyebrows and the few stubby lashes I have left that look like they’ve been pilfered from a ladybird!
And don’t get me started on false lashes – I’ve tried! I thought I’d feel glam but instead I’ve nearly blinded myself using the wrong lash adhesive… when they’re on they feel sticky and heavy, and they don’t last all day, leaving me looking like I have a bad case of sudden eyelash alopecia, with one end hanging off like I’ve had a very good night on the town and the eyelashes to prove it… if only!!)
And then there’s the times when I think about doing something… achieving something… something in the not-too-distant future and get this wonderful sense of uplifting positivity and motivation… only to be hurtled back to earth with the realisation that I can’t, not just yet at least.
The Transition
It’s like there’s this hazy phase between the ‘old’ me and the current me – the transition I guess, and maybe I’ve not quite worked my way through it yet.
I think, and hope, that following treatment, I will get a sense of ‘me’ and normalcy back, but it will be a newer, upgraded version of me… because getting a cancer diagnosis has undoubtedly changed me… it’s changed a lot about me.
And some, quite a lot in fact, are good, positive changes too – like an appreciation for life… and memories… putting things into a sharper perspective… becoming more acutely aware of what’s truly important… there is less fear in my life… and it’s motivated me to ‘do’ things…
But I’ve been thinking that this new Vs old me is not a cancer-related thing, it’s always been this way, because we are ever-evolving… we are in constant motion, we are continuously changing, continuously learning, continuously experiencing and all of this can change us as a person; change our perceptions, our emotions and sense of wellbeing, our situations, finances, relationships, knowledge, motivations, values and beliefs…
Perhaps getting this diagnosis has just emphasised these changes for me?
Thinking back…
And I’m reminded of a previous time of huge transition in my life, a time when I had recently left secondary school and just started college – I had this new found sense of freedom, no longer shackled by the regimented daily timetable that school brings.
I was caught in the catalyst of unrecognisable shift between child and adult.
I had autonomy and life and hope ahead of me. I was becoming the truest version of myself, making my own choices, clutching ever-increasing responsibility and gaining the independence we all do once we step out of our protective childhood shells… it was simultaneously comforting and exciting!
And now…?
So, how do I transition more positively with the change I feel right now?…
By seeing it as any other transition in my life; recognising the positives it can bring, seizing the opportunities in front of me and taking risks where I wouldn’t have dared before…
How about you? Do you feel like you’re in a stage of transition right now?
When in your past have you noticed significant changes in yourself?
What positives have come to your life following periods of change?
See changes as an opportunity, not a barrier!
Your writing is always so generous and moving.
Keep sharing <3
The biggest transition in my life was away from the gender I'd been given at birth to embracing, living and sharing being nonbinary outwardly. But, despite what many people perhaps assume is the only transition, I also like to share how it's not the only way to transition in life... just like you've said. From single to in a relationship, to homeowners (renters), parenthood... so many ways. And maybe the saddest thing we can do is remain static...
However, everything you've offered here is on a level that I have yet to experience and I can't pretend to understand - hearing your honesty leaves me without words tbh <3
I do love your humour Julie 😉
As always thought provoking and beautifully written and raw.
My biggest transition without doubt was becoming a mother. Ive shared many a time with you my trials, tribulations and triumphs! Thank you for always listening and never judging .
Xxx