GOOD Grief
This week’s post is about grief, how it encompasses so much more than we realise, WHY we need it and, that it can be a GOOD thing…
“If You Can Recognise And Accept Your Pain Without Running Away From It, You Will Discover That Although Pain Is There, Joy Can Also Be There At The Same Time.”
Thich Nhat Hanh
I’ve been trying to write this post for a while now… it’s important and one I really want to share.
Because grief is something we all feel and need to feel, but is perhaps one of the hardest emotions to navigate and one we all wish we could avoid!
Yet it’s a normal response and a necessary emotion, and I will explain more about this later.
My recent grief
So ‘grief’ has appeared quite a lot in my life the past couple of years, mainly in subtle, indirect ways… but then a few months ago, I experienced grief with the loss of our dog, Ruby, which has made this post even more pertinent.
But please don’t switch off now, this is not a morbid post, yes, it was a sad time but I also learnt to see the beauty in the situation…
I had to give myself time to navigate it; time to experience and understand it… time to move through it… and time to reflect on it, so that I can now share it with you in a (hopefully!?) comprehensible way…
So, one Monday after the summer holidays, I came home from the school run to a nice, quiet house… for the first time in six weeks (whoop whoop!!).
But I was struck by the silence as I stepped over the threshold – no Ruby happy to welcome me home.
It had been six weeks now since she died, but the first time I’d come home to an empty house. And of course, these things are going to happen… these ‘firsts’ we come by like key milestones we must cross (even though they are abrupt and quite frankly obnoxious and unwelcome!).
Because it takes time to adjust… for our minds to acknowledge, process and accept this ‘new normal’. After 14 years of walking through the door and being welcomed by a waggy tail of course it’s going to take some time to get used to… and that’s OK.
Anticipatory Grief
Have you heard of anticipatory grief?
This is a type of grieving that you experience before a loss, in the lead-up to it, when you know it’s coming and are preparing for it.
And I now realise I had been in this ‘anticipatory grief’ for a couple of years before Ruby died, as I knew she was getting older.
But I also learnt a valuable lesson – that I needed to acknowledge and respect it, not ignore it and push it away.
As anyone who has, or has had, a pet knows, they hold a very special place in your heart and the thought of not having them in your life is often too upsetting to contemplate, so instead I ignored it and carried on, but this did not serve me well, and the sense of looming only grew and got stronger until I acknowledged it…
Anyone who knows Labradors, knows they don’t grow up! They believe they’re puppies right until the end.
When Ruby was a bounding bundle of puppyness, I actually looked forward to the days when I could enjoy a calm, pleasant and perhaps ‘sophisticated’ walk with her, instead of being the wild woman racing across the park screeching “Rubyyyyyyyy” at the top of my lungs, as she makes a beeline for the lady in cream trousers and jumps joyously up at her after just having a dip in a muddy river… lake… brook… pond… or even puddle!
Or as she hurtles through the middle of the family picnicking on the grass, snaffling scotch eggs and cocktail sausages, leaving some poor children traumatised…
Or wanting to energetically greet every dog, human and other living creature she saw walking down the road, whether they appreciated it or not!
“Two”, they said, that’s when dogs start to calm down! Two came and went…
“Seven” for Labradors! Seven came and went…
Twelve! Twelve years before she realised she was meant to be a ‘grown-up’ – well as much as Labs do!
I’m sure she believed she was one of the kids, showing the same enthusiasm as the boys on birthdays and Christmases, joining us huddled around presents on the living room floor and tearing at wrapping paper, or running off across the park alongside the boys, no idea what all the excitement was about but joining in regardless…
So when she did eventually ‘grow up’ and get old, it was sudden, striking and impossible to ignore…
An ‘ageing’ Ruby has been the guest star in a couple of my previous posts:
Anxiety Attack - recognising Ruby was not the young, sprightly, walk-for-miles gal she used to be hit me hard on a walk one day when I had to leave her behind because her pace was too slow to match my early morning dash to the shop for an emergency pint of milk.
Holidays - Our first ever family holiday without Ruby, when she was just too old to manage it.
But we were lucky in the way that we got to plan and prepare for Ruby’s death…
We told the boys, to give them a chance to prepare for it too, and we were all there with her in the end… we all went through it together (a first for all of us, at the ages of 9 & 12, 42 & 45!!).
Was it the right decision letting our children be there with her? I hope so. But you just never know if you’re doing the right thing, and what is ‘right’ for one child may not be ‘right’ for another (hello parenting!?).
We just have to trust what ‘feels’ right for ‘us’…
At the end of the day, Ruby, was surrounded with love, and cuddles, and fusses, treats and even CHOCOLATE! She was in heaven before she even reached the gates!
It was calm, peaceful and supportive - the lovely vet was amazing, she gave us all the time we needed, supplied the treats (and chocolates!), and told the boys they were doing “a very kind thing for Ruby”.
And although that week or two beforehand was hard, as we all navigated this ‘anticipatory grief’, we went through it together. And I really believe it helped to lessen the impact and transition afterwards… we allowed ourselves to feel… to acknowledge… to recognise and then to move on in a more positive way.
We often try to protect our children from grief and loss, but the truth is that it’s inevitable, it’s a part of life, and unfortunately, we can’t stop or avoid it…
Now, of course, I recognise that the loss of a pet and the loss of a loved one are not on the same trajectory of pain and loss, but they are both fundamentally ‘grief’ and we will move through the process the same, albeit to varying degrees…
The more ‘subtle’ types of grief
Grief is complex and a much broader concept1 than just death, and I’ve already mentioned that I have experienced some ‘subtle’ types of grief recently, so as well as ‘anticipatory grief’ and the loss of Ruby, here are some other examples of where grief has shown up in my life over the past couple of years…
Getting a cancer diagnosis
I grieved when I got my breast cancer diagnosis. I grieved for the loss of my health, a loss of my future; my intended plans and ambitions - I was imminently due to graduate from university and start a new exciting career, but this had to be put on hold as I underwent treatment…
This phase of my life was difficult to work through but I did reach out for professional help from a counsellor through Macmillan, and although it was hard, it was necessary to grieve at this time, to allow me to process the information, acknowledge my feelings and then… adjust. And it has benefited me immensely because now I have a new vision, a new sense of purpose and I’ve gained courage and determination that I didn’t have before…
The boys growing up
I experienced grief a few years ago, although I didn’t recognise it at the time, I just remember being hit by this sudden, gut-wrenching sense of sadness whenever I thought of the boys as babies.
I was shocked and confused at the time, but it turns out I was grieving. I was grieving for that time of our lives, I was grieving for the ‘baby phase’, I was grieving for the fact they were growing up…Which isn’t a bad thing! It’s a good thing (I’d successfully managed to keep two little humans alive for this long!)
And working through this sticky sense of grief has now made me see it differently… I feel lucky that I get to see the boys grow up, it’s something I now cherish and celebrate.
And reflecting on grief has made me realise that we can grieve in so many different ways through life, for example:
We may grieve for those times in life when things don’t go as we’d hoped…
Or we may grieve for the way we believe things ‘should’ have been…
We may experience it when we move house – grieving for the lives and memories we had there…
Or when we get a new job – grieving for the time and experience we had in our old job and the people we worked with…
And when we do experience a sense of grief in those ‘good’ times of our lives, it can be very confusing because we feel as though we should be happy, yet we’re somehow left feeling sad, and this can make us feel guilty or even ashamed.
But there’s a vital word here: ‘SHOULD’.
This small, six-letter word that can have a significant impact on our emotions! Because we should not feel any other way than how we do… this is real, genuine, authentic… and exactly as it’s meant to be.
Once we realise that grief can show up in the happier times of our lives too, it helps us to understand why we’re feeling the way we do, and that it’s OK.
Whether it’s literal or symbolic, it’s all grief!
And grief is subjective; what you grieve and how you grieve is completely personal and unique to you…
We need grief
It helps us to find a way of surrendering our emotional attachment to something we have lost, whether that be the loss of someone we love or a figurative loss.
We need to recognise and appreciate the “value” of that loss for it to become therapeutic and ease the pain2.
Because grief is an instinctive emotional response, yet if the loss is ‘substantial’ but we don’t understand the significance of it, then we can be thrust deeper into a sense of hopelessness and distress.
Whereas, if we are better able to recognise it, and be more attuned to the symptoms, patterns and importance of grieving, then we can approach it and move through it more positively3.
The grief cycle
Grief is a process and has a pattern to it that we can learn from.
‘The Grief Cycle’ was developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, and aims to explain the different stages, feelings and experiences we are likely to go through when we’re in a state of grief4.
But it’s important to recognise that everyone is different. The grief cycle may help, comfort and support some of us through grieving, but others may not find it helpful or even disagree with it.
There is no ‘right’ way to grieve… there’s no time limit on it… and often isn’t linear. You may find you’re doing OK one day and then floored the next, and that’s OK, it’s a process.
It’s individual, so take what you need, and find something that works for you…
What to do when you’re grieving
Be patient with yourself…
Give yourself some much-needed love and compassion…
Feel your emotions… whatever it is you’re feeling, no matter how uncomfortable, and remember grieving is unique to you, so don’t be afraid to do it your way!5
Grief reminds me of those gloomy winter mornings when we wake to a cloak of darkness… now we could jump out of bed and crack on with our day immediately, but we’re likely to stub our toe or trip over something before we’ve even made it to the bedroom door.
Instead, if we turn on a small light, and give ourselves a little time to adjust, then we can move through our day more easily – venturing beyond the bedroom, inviting more clarity as we go, until we’re fully awake and ready to get on with the rest of our day…
At the heart of it, how we approach and manage the ‘smaller’ griefs in life, is a blueprint for how we navigate the ‘bigger’ ones.
This part of life is difficult, but it’s necessary and unavoidable… and it’s really important that we give ourselves the time, space and respect to grieve… to acknowledge every sharp edge of it, every first that comes along, every time it stands before us because this, as uncomfortable and painful as it can be, is what’s going to help us in the long run.
If we can allow it and process it, then it will dissipate, whereas if we ignore and bury it, it’s likely to fester and reappear later, perhaps with even worse consequences.
So please, reach out to someone and talk, because talking enables us to process and come to terms with it… it’s why when people experience something shocking or painful they may talk about it over and over again, recounting the same story, reliving the same memory or sharing the same painful feelings… because this is how we come to terms with it.
And I know this stuff is hard… it can be really hard but we all experience it, we’re just not so good at having conversations around it.
So I’m here, reaching out a hand of support and reassurance to share with you some of my grief, to show you that it’s OK and I am here for you.
Remember grief is natural. It’s a healthy way of moving through loss and change. And even though it’s not easy, it is temporary and will not last forever. So find support when you need it, allow yourself to feel and to heal…
“YOU ARE NOT ALONE” 💞
Take care and much love,
Julie x
For information and support about grief and bereavement, please see some helpful links below:
Cruse is the UK’s leading bereavement charity, offering support and information to anyone experiencing grief:
Winston’s Wish specialise in support for children and young people following the death of someone in their lives:
Mind has some helpful information on bereavement and grief, as well as links to support organisations and self-care:
Macmillan has some helpful information on their website about understanding grief, as well as how to support someone who is grieving:
And if you’re supporting a child who has experienced the death of a loved one, Treetops have a free resource booklet to help:
Feel free to get in touch, I’d love to hear from you 💗
Ernstmeyer, K. and Christman, E. (eds.) (2021) Nursing Fundamentals. Available at: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK591827/ (Accessed: 30 October 2024).
Shah, N. (2015) ‘Good grief’, British Journal of Psychiatry, 206(5), pp. 423–423. doi:10.1192/bjp.bp.114.149773.
Granger E. Westberg, G.E. (2011) Good Grief. Minneapolis: Fortress Press.
The Elisabeth Kübler-Ross Foundation (2024) Kübler-Ross Change Curve. Available at: https://www.ekrfoundation.org/5-stages-of-grief/change-curve/ (Accessed: 30 October 2024).
BACP (2024) What are the five stages of grief. Available at: https://www.bacp.co.uk/about-therapy/what-therapy-can-help-with/five-stages-of-grief/ (Accessed: 30 October 2024).
Beautiful. There are so many different “flavors” of grief and as many ways to navigate it as there are people in the world—but you know what? It all somehow boils down to love, doesn’t it?