Matching Pegs!
This week's post is all about… Mission: CONTROL!
“When You Can't Control What's Happening, Challenge Yourself To Control The Way You Are Responding To What's Happening.
That's Where The Power Is."
Unknown
Anyone else feel like one of life’s little control freaks…connoisseurs?? 🙋🏼♀️
Never realised until recently how much control I like to (feel) I have!!
I’m just one of those people who feels comforted by it… I mean “control = safety” right? Or so our brains like to have us believe!
As with a lot of things, I think this magnified when I became a mum… after all you’re carted off out the maternity ward doors with FULL INDEPENDENT CONTROL OF A LITTLE HUMAN!!
I was subconsciously telling myself every day that being in complete control of my tiny person meant that I was keeping him safe, which reinforced the idea and it soon snowballed into a pivotal aspect of daily life…
Sudden realisation
Of course there have been moments where I’ve come to realise that I can’t control everything, and there’s one particular situation that has stayed with me…
One afternoon (mid-AFTERNOON not midnight!) ‘E’ and I were strolling back from a wild adventure down the play park 🤘🏻 and I witnessed a little drug deal going off at the side of the road… in broad daylight – and it suddenly struck me that I can’t protect him from everything… forever.
Now, this was at a similar time to him starting nursery… and it wasn’t that I was expecting dodgy dealings round the back of the ‘Cozy Coupe’ shed, exchanging contraband for Yo-yo Bear fruit rolls…
It was more the realisation that as ‘E’ was getting older, I wouldn’t be able to cushion him from the world forever.
As much as I wanted to protect him from everything, this was not realistic… or healthy!
I needed to come to terms with the fact that he was going to continue growing up (at a seemingly ludicrous rate)… continue gaining independence, and continue to be exposed to things way beyond my control.
And I needed to figure out a way to be OK with that (gasp)!!
Welcome back “BALANCE”…
I think it set me on a course of finding a ‘next-best-thing’, which is balance!!! (Oh that ever-re-emerging sense of equilibrium!!)
Read my blog post "Finding Balance" here:
I needed to find a balance between letting him grow up, experience the world, develop his own judgement, gain his own inquiring mind… but also be here for guidance, support, and a fall-back for if (no, when), things don’t go right!
FAST FORWARD A DECADE…
‘E’ is now 11 and starting BIG SCHOOL… my sense of ‘NO CONTROL’ is skyrocketing!
BUT, it’s all part of the process!
(Perhaps I need to re-read this daily for the next 5 years!)
THANK YOU CBT…
Essentially, as ‘E’ got older I realised I was having to let him become more independent… meaning gradually let go of control.
But guess what… this stubborn blighter manifested into other areas of my life!!!
I had a round of CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) last summer, and this is where my sense of control really came into view… like an undisclosed puppet master who’d been lurking in the shadows.
To find out more about CBT see here:
I soon realised my daily life was dictated by things such as:
· A fridge full of post-it notes – write it down and slap it on the fridge or risk never remembering it again!
· Lists of every kind imaginable – Daily to-do lists, Long-term to-do lists (that never got accomplished), numerous shopping lists…
· Spreadsheets; for each and every bank account in existence, spreadsheets to cross-reference my uni timetable, Steve’s work shifts and childcare needs (then circulated to all involved parties)…
· AND here it is… MATCHING PEGS!!
YES, I realised I was even trying to gain some control over the washing line!
I had this (pointless) need to have matching-coloured pegs on each garment when hanging out the washing!?!
Unnecessary, impractical, illogical, and… VERY time consuming (considering you’re contending with six different packets of pegs in your peg-bag!)
Is this OCD?
Now, I know what you might be thinking… OCD has crossed my mind too; my history of anxiety, unnecessary urges, potential ritual, not to mention the unrealistic need for control…
But unfortunately OCD has been banded about so often, and is frequently portrayed as ‘trivial’ that it springs to mind whenever we hear of a quirky behaviour, whereas, in reality, for people living with OCD it can be extremely debilitating.
An interesting article by Rethink Mental Illness can be found here relating to the true meaning of OCD and the need to change our narrative.
For me however, it felt more like a ‘desire’ (for simple yet complete control) rather than an overwhelming compulsion.
I recognised that I didn’t feel compelled to do it in order to prevent something bad from happening, as is common with compulsions associated with OCD.
To learn more about OCD symptoms, read personal experiences or find out how to access support, click here.
But who knows, maybe it was a bit of both!
After all, it’s not always a linear “yes OR no / you have it OR you don’t” scale; with mental health one end and mental illness the other… it’s actually believed we’re all somewhere along a continuum of some kind.
For me, I think this was more about fulfilling the sense of control that I was missing from motherhood!
And CBT helped me to acknowledge that and work towards letting some of it go – one mis-matched peg and post-it note at a time!
I am pleased to confirm that I can now hang out TWO lines of washing, using an array of different coloured, sizes and styles of peg… and in a third of the time!!! 👊🏻
But what happens when we don’t have control…
It might not come as a surprise to hear that I like a plan!!
I like to know WHAT I’m doing, WHEN and WHERE… down to the minute! (Perhaps I was an army drill sergeant in a past life?)
So when daily life doesn’t fit with my plan of action I get a little… disconcerted.
For example, I have a family day at the farm planned… but when we get there the farm is closed!
Now, I’ll more likely be seen trying to break in through the fence than find an alternative - because “it’s down on my agenda and goodness forbid I should deviate from the plan!”
However… (to avoid the risk of arrest), what I should do is:
Take a deep breath…
Change my mind set to accept the reality of what is happening, in this moment…
And figure out an alternative…
Who knows the alternative might end up being bigger and better than the original, but in order for that possibility - I need to accept I don’t always have control!
Then there’s the BIG life-changing plans!
What about those bigger life-situations where we have absolutely NO control?!
Things sent from the universe, beyond our comprehension, and we are perilous to any sense of control?
Well…
The world doesn’t just crumble beneath our feet…
The sky doesn’t implode…
The earth doesn’t stop spinning!
If anything, an imposed lack of control forces us to find something new… new ways of thinking, new ways of seeing things, new ways of doing things…
It gives us opportunities and achievements perhaps we’d never imagined possible when clouded by the restrictive clutch of control!
So, here I am attempting (apprehensively, but determinedly) to release my grasp on control, to live more freely and… GO WITH THE FLOW!!
“You May Not Like To Deviate From The Path, But Sometimes It Is Necessary: Sometimes It Is Beneficial Sometimes It Can Help You See Things, Experience Things That You Had Not Planned, Things That Are A Surprise To You, Things That You Did Not Expect”
Holly Worton
For further help and information regarding mental health conditions, such as those discussed here, follow the links below or see my ‘Helpful Links’ page for further sources of support: